Surogawa Clan Revised (complete)

Posts : 1044

I will flip through this app and find what still needs more details because I can tell that they are indeed still needed. Wait for my post.

Posts : 1044

Fix your typos and grammar errors.

Strength: Where is this strength from? Enhanced muscles? You don't specify. Also you wrote down 1200 - 15000 pounds of force, I think you added a zero here because the actual strength is written down as 1500lb. Also, what are you using to measure the force? Is that the force they punch with? Is it the weight they can lift? You have no effort.

Oh and D Rank isn't Genin, thats C Rank. Chunnin is B Rank, Jounin is A Rank, and Kage Level is S Rank. Kages are S Rank, theres no specific 'Kage' level because they're no stronger than another S Rank shinobi, they just have more political power behind their physical power.

Fitness: Lungs would be another trait and fitness isn't really a clan trait, more like a personal one, I think you need to rename this. You need to lower the amount of posts the breath is held, something more like this:
D > 3
C > 5
B > 7
A > 10
S > 12

You will never be in a situation where you're underwater for twenty posts, that just doesn't happen and its also an excessively large number and thus makes it look questionably OP, hence it needs toned down. You mention these numbers twice, so remove the non-charted references, they're probably just there to add length because otherwise thats not three lines.

Crocodiles do tire easily, you have a crocodiles blood and stomach so you suffer the associated weaknesses. They can only use their 'strength' or 'stamina' in short bursts and then they get very tired, so don't try to compensate for those weaknesses and don't say you have more stamina when crocodiles have less. Fix that, you should have less stamina, not more.

When you've split up lungs into another category, I expect details. How large? How do they fit in the host's body? Are you as susceptible to jutsu that harm the lungs or respiratory system? Details.

Natural Swimmers: You just mention a tail, right out of the blue, what the hell. Where did you get a tail? Nowhere on your app does it say you have a tail, so why are you talking about it here like you already said you had a tail earlier. If you have a tail, that needs to be mentioned and explained, not just casually brought up like 'they use their tails, you know, the ones I didn't mention before? They have those, moving on...'

Crocodile's webbing doesn't do anything to held land movement, so just remove that bit because it doesn't even make sense and it would need more details if it did anyhow.

Scaly Skin: Use normal English terms, nobody cares what kind of fancy words you can pluck from your mind (or thin air), especially when you have to get your point across concisely like in a clan app.

What color are the scales? How large? Etc. You need details, you just repeat the same info in various sentences, there needs to be more specifics. If they grow beneath the skin, are they visible, for example.

Cold: You can't have a resistance to something and have it be your weakness, it makes no sense.

Sharp Teeth: How large? If they are broken, do they regrow? If so, how fast?

Jaw: This needs a cooldown for uses and be aware that once you clamp down, your mouth isn't going to be able to unclamp easily, so if you bite into something and end up meeting your own teeth, that kind of force is going to shatter that jaw of yours.

Smell: Are you implying you can identify objects and people by smell? Crocodiles aren't dogs, and that needs more refining because it has the potential to be OP because you could just claim to smell incoming attackers and dodge them.

Hearing: You haven't mentioned any sonic abilities and it doesn't fit the clan so remove that, even if its something crocodiles may be capable of. Also, where did the snout come from? You havent said a word about having a crocodile snout, like your tail. And highly acute hearing like that within 15m is OP.

Sight: Wrong. Crocodiles see better underwater because there eyes are designed to capture the bent light and put it back into the correct formation, they see worse on land than they do underwater if you were to compare the two.

Stomach Chambers: I just finished telling you about being resistance to poisons, re-read that note, if it doesnt affect your digestive system you have no way to hinder it in this fashion. No, you cannot have additional chakra along with all your other clan traits, remove that. And you don't get chakra out of food unless your clan is capable of doing that and you haven't mentioned that anywhere.

Fake Death: Eijutsu, not Ninjutsu.

Death Roll: Are you saying your sword extends and changes shape? Thats not in ANY way related to your clan, and its not even possible without a specially prepared sword of a high rank. This jutsu also doesn't make sense, the description is very poor, and you say its your 'bread and butter' and then say its your trump, thats a contradiction.

You shouldn't even be mentioned in clan jutsu, they belong to the clan, not yourself personally so there shouldn't even be a single mention of an individual in the jutsu. So correct that in all your jutsu.

Secret Swamp: Somebody already told you about 'donton', correct that. This jutsu makes no sense, how is it a combination of elements? What exactly does it do? How large? how many targets? This is just incoherent blabber to me. Creating a swamp is not a KKG jutsu, just fyi.

Muddy Clones: I'd like to point out that mud is part of Doton and you dont combine elements to make it because you don't seem to be aware of that. You don't say what the clone is made of, how many are made, etc. and if they can't be destroyed, how do you defeat them? It sounds very OP at the moment. Mud clones are also not a KKG jutsu.

Death Roll II: Same as the first one.

Final Roll: *

Finish Blender: Do what now? I don't understand this jutsu one bit.

History: Its very poorly assembled. If they're nomadic swordsmen, how did they gain crocodile like traits? Who founded the clan? Why were they nomads? How did they support themselves? If they were nomads, why did they decide to become a shinobi clan? What caused the division of the classes? When did it happen? Why? What are you talking about buildings, no clan was founded in a building, that makes no sense at all, you cant house an entire clan in any building. Most of your comments make as little sense as the rest of it, and you have to wear a village headband if you're a part of one, thats not an optional sort of deal, especially in place of a clan headband.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Hage I don't mean to offend you of anykind but it's obvious you don't know as much about Crocs as you think you.

They don't see well under water they use their other senses very well therefore making it seem they see well beneath it.

No crocs aren't hounds but their noses are just as good. Hmm they can't see very far away so how do you think they know when prey is around......Smell and Sound that is.

Cros also have sensors so they always know when something is near but if I had put that on my app you all would claim it OP therefore I didn't.

Actually the crocodile bloodstream pushes out toxins and such but I'll just let you read that.

Even though I erased most of the things you wanted me to I decided to give you a link to prove my app right.
Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crocodilia

Jutsu
FAKE DEATH: Changable

DEATH ROLL, DEATH ROLL ll, and FINAL ROLL: Well, My whole clan as a whole are kenjutsu specialist. Therefore these would be apart of my clan's techniques. I mentioned in my poorly written history (I'll admit that) that we are swordman. Also I'll take my name out of the jutsu.

Mud Clones: They can be defeated they just don't dispurt after been hit. Instead they turn into solid and become immoble of all movement watsoever. It's a trick jutsu to trap opponents in hope that I can get a cheap landing jutsu.

* I did fail to claim that Doton ans Suito were this clans on elements. That's my fault it will be put in.

P.S. Grammer not my strong suit. (I failed English on number of occasions) I Can only do the best I can in that dept.

P.S.S. I deleted evrything you though was wrong with my clan just for your happiness and so that I can be approved. Now that I've done so; unless you read over the crocodile informatin I gave you and decide to let me keep some stuff. I just might drop this whole clan.

P.S.3 (PS3....lol) My tail and sword were both mentioned on my character app that's why it isn't mentioned here. My Character is a Swordsman

Again here is the link:
Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crocodilia

DONE

Posts : 1044

If something I've stated is incorrect than say so, don't just start deleting things and then expecting me to go back through things, this is your app, not mine. As for your character application, I don't care whats there, it needs to be here, your clan is not just for your character, its more than yourself. If you want to mention a tail, it has to be here, if you want to mention a sword, it also has to be here, I'm not going to dig through your app for things.

*rubs temples* You're not getting this very well, your clan app is NOT about your character, it should be about the clan. Whatever personal skills YOU have have no bearing whatsoever on the clan, but it DOES work the other way around. If you can't understand that then I don't see how you can expect to have this app approved.

Your death roll techniques cant be done without a special weapon and your clan makes no mention of such a weapon so until such a thing appears on the app and further look overs can be done they are denied.

Mud clones needs to be specified, and if I have no idea what you're trying to say. They don't disrupt? Disperse?

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Hage I just didnt want to start an argument with you that's all. I have a bad rep as it is and one small thing could happen and you could get out of control then BAM! I got the bad rep all over again.

I'm trying to show you all I'm not that guy I used to be. None watsoever.

So how about I close the clan and only use it for myself. Then would these jutsu be able to stay here because I do have the swird for the jutsu.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

I have a better explaining.

DONE

My personal just will be edited when i train for them

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

If its not an intricate part of the clan, and its personal, it doesnt belong in the clan, closed or not.Just throwing that out there.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

ok I took the jutsu out

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

Quote :: Attacks of any other rank will have their effective damage reduced to just one quarter of their normal power. That's a 75% reduction in power to anything striking the thick scales on the Surogawa's back.

So if your A-Rank, you can make another A-Rank attack deal 1/4 its normal damage? No.

Quote :: While underwater a Surogawa's sense of taste is able to locate any source of blood for up to one mile around them. They can identify what sort of blood it is based on it's taste, and in which direction it lies

No. by the time blood makes it 1 mile down stream, its so diluted (unless its 5 bodies, or someone died in the stream), this would have no effect. Also, this doesnt belong under the eyes portion of the application.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

Again, Im gonna ask that hage or another staff member look this over first before i give final approval. Im a little iffy on half breeds myself.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

ok but you guys have a half wolf clan i dont see why not

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

Quote :: While underwater a Surogawa's sense of smell is able to locate any source of blood for up to one mile around them.

I already commented on this. Remove it as, like i already said, unless the persons jugular is cut open, you wouldnt be able to sense anything a mile away.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

I do believe that Hage mentioned the fact that large lungs do not allow increased stamina, as crocodiles do tire easily. Large lungs will make it so that your not low on air when fighting, yes, but that does not affect stamina unless the persons muscles are able to take as much abuse as the lungs can. If the muscles cannot work as hard, or do as much, then the stamina bonus is nullified.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

Brought up to my attention, whether you saw it or not.

Muddy clones are basically earth clones. Mud is not a KKG element, so remove them from your app.

Age : 36 Posts : 1004

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

As most of the things on the application has been covered by Hage, Im going to say approved.