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Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]]

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Kaira
Kaira

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PostSubject: Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] EmptySat 11 Aug 2012, 4:10 pm

Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Dreams

Clan Name: Masayume Clan
Location:
Signature Traits:
Moon kissed skin
The members of this clan have faded skin. This does not mean they are pale, simply faded. The color of their skin are more pastel like.

Birthmark
The members of this clan either have a birthmark of a crescent moon or a star.

Small Sense of Reality
Due to spending most of their time dreaming, the members of this clan can barely grasp reality. Reality meaning that there is an outside world other than the dream world.

Frail
Most of the clan members have weak bones and weak stamina. Because they are usually trained to fight in dreams, they never built up their physical strength.

Element
All the clan members are born with Fuuton [Wind] as their main element.

Light Features
Eyes, hair, features are all light. They are not albinos but you can never see one with dark brown eyes. The only acceptance is once the kekkei genkai is on.

Deep Sleepers
Due to being trained to sleep, the members of this clan are deep sleepers but can wake up on will. Deep sleeping means delta sleep, the sleep in which it is difficult to wake a clan member up.
Kekkei Genkai:

Abilities:
 

Doujutsu:
 

Code:
[img]http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif[/img]
[b]Name:[/b] Stage One
[b]Rank:[/b] -
[b]Type:[/b] Bloodline - Doujutsu
[b]Accessible To:[/b] D-Ranked Masayume
[b]Description:[/b]
You'll notice that the pupil has faded away and the iris is left in a dark turquoise like gradient like state with the light slightly reflecting on it. The eyes look as though they are in a trance, almost as though a person is about to pass out, as though they would almost fall into a dream.
Stage One
-D Ranked-
1. Major Influence of E-ranked Shinobi [75% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
2. Good Influence on D-ranked Shinobi [50% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
3. Weak Influence on C~S ranked Shinobi [25% Chance Influencing One to Sleep]
4. Good invading powers on E-D ranked shinobi
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 1CP per Post

[img]http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif[/img]
[b]Name:[/b] Stage Two
[b]Rank:[/b] -
[b]Type:[/b] Bloodline - Doujutsu
[b]Accessible To:[/b] C-Ranked Masayume
[b]Description:[/b]
You'll notice that the iris almost reflects a celestial like space. This is the user slightly reflecting the dream passage.
Stage Two
-C Ranked-
1. Major Influence of D~E-ranked Shinobi [75% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
2. Good Influence on C ranked Shinobi [50% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
3. Weak Influence on B~S ranked Shinobi [25% Chance Influencing One to Sleep]
4. Good invading powers on C-D ranked shinobi
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 2CP per Post

[img]http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif[/img]
[b]Name:[/b] Stage Three
[b]Rank:[/b] -
[b]Type:[/b] Bloodline - Doujutsu
[b]Accessible To:[/b] B-Ranked Masayume
[b]Description:[/b]
The cosmic body is clearly seen now

Stage Three
-B Ranked-
1. Major Influence of C~E-ranked Shinobi [75% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
2. Good Influence on B-ranked Shinobi [50% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
3. Weak Influence on A~S ranked Shinobi [25% Chance Influencing One to Sleep]
4. Good invading powers on C~D ranked shinobi

[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 3CP per Post

[img]http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif[/img]
[b]Name:[/b] Stage Four
[b]Rank:[/b] -
[b]Type:[/b] Bloodline - Doujutsu
[b]Accessible To:[/b] A-Ranked Masayume
[b]Description:[/b]
A crescent moon starts fading into the eye until it is completely visible.

Stage Four
-A Ranked-
1. Major Influence of B~E-ranked Shinobi [75% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
2. Good Influence on A-ranked Shinobi [50% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
3. Weak Influence on S ranked Shinobi [25% Chance Influencing One to Sleep]
4. Good invading powers on A~D ranked shinobi

[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 5CP per Post


[img]http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif[/img]
[b]Name:[/b] Stage Five
[b]Rank:[/b] -
[b]Type:[/b] Bloodline - Doujutsu
[b]Accessible To:[/b] S-Ranked Masayume
[b]Description:[/b]
A star decides to join the crescent moon.

Stage Five
-S Ranked-
1. Major Influence of A~E-ranked Shinobi [75% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
2. Good Influence on S-ranked Shinobi [50% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
3. Weak Influence on Kage ranked Shinobi [25% Chance Influencing One to Sleep]
4. Good invading powers on S~D ranked shinobi

[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 9CP per Post

[img]http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif[/img]
[b]Name:[/b] Stage Five
[b]Rank:[/b] -
[b]Type:[/b] Bloodline - Doujutsu
[b]Accessible To:[/b] S-Ranked Masayume
[b]Description:[/b]
Wind like blasts start appearing until they are completely visible.

Stage Six
-S Ranked-
1. Major Influence of S~E-ranked Shinobi [70%[on S-ranked] 75% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
2. Good Influence on Kage-ranked Shinobi [20% Chance of Influencing One to Sleep]
3. Good invading powers on Kage~D ranked shinobi

To rank up on eyes one must have to train them according to the proper word count and rank. To train the eyes, one must train on someone of the rank of the eye needed for it to be trained in.

[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 10CP per Post


History:
Tsukiyomi hadn't stopped with the Shuureitsuki. Though banished, he missed his children dearly. He wanted new offspring and couldn't get his minds off of his young. He was thinking deeply, and his wife, Usagi saw him stressing. Because of this, Usagi cast a spell into her husband to make him fall asleep, thinking it would help him relieve himself.

Unfortunately, or fortunately for the Masayume, Tsukiyomi had a dream. He dreamt of children again, this time though, he only wanted one. Using his might and power, he willed a child to be conceived. She was named Masayume, a dream that came true. She was beautiful, yet a fragile little thing who did nothing more but sleep. Usagi found out about his child and loved it all the same.

Masayume never woke up. Instead she came alive during the dreams. Tsukiyomi and Usagi would both find her frolicking around as they slept. They were enchanted by her. Because of this Tsukiyomi became lazy and didn't commit to his job and responsibilities. Instead he spent the day and night sleeping alongside his wife and daughter.

The higher gods were angry and filled with rage. Because the moon god never did his responsibilities the moon and the stars lost their light. To punish them, they took away Masayume and sent her to the earth, banished right after the Shuureitsuki were. This time though, Masayume couldn't simply sleep all day. She had to wake up to the earth.

She had many descendants that carried her name.

Clan Jutsu:
Spoiler:
 

Code:


Name: Naito Sutairu:Kyosei-teki ni entori [Night Style: Force Entry ]
Type: Ninjutsu
Rank: D~S
Range: Eyecontact
Element: NA
Description:The user must have the Sleepy Eyes activated. While the user is trying to get the opponent to sleep, the force entry jutsu should be used as the opponent is getting tired. This technique will allow the user to access the opponent's dream without permission.
[D:1 CP
C: 3 CP
B: 10 CP
A: 20 CP
S: 35 CP]

Name: Naito Sutairu: Sosa [Night Style: Manipulation ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: C~S
Range: NA, Takes place inside the dream
Element: NA
Description: This allows the user to manipulate the dream's environment to his/her will. This can only be used once every three posts.
C- Add items, weather, temperature [5 CP]
B- Time, weather, add items, scenery, temperature [12 CP]
A- Terrain, time, weather, add items, scenery, temperature [22 CP]
S- Terrain, time, weather, add items, scenery, natural disasters [37 CP]

Name: Naito Sutairu: Shina [Night Style: Sealed ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: A
Range: Happens within the dream
Element: NA
Description: This seals the users mind from waking up. Since entering one's dream is technically not a genjutsu but a mixture of both ninjutsu and genjutsu, Kai won't help. This simply makes the user fall into a deep sleep where he cannot get up on his own but needs the help of someone else. [23 CP]

Name: Naito Sutairu: U~ibadorimu [Night Style: Dream Weaver ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: A
Range: Happens Within The Dream
Element: NA
Description: This allows the user to force the dream into something they want to happen. This does not affect the opponent, but rather creates more effects. The difference between this and the manipulation technique is that this does not affect the environment but the other characters in the dream. [20 CP]

Name: Naito Sutairu: Sakujo [Night Style: Delete ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: B~S
Range: Happens within the Dream
Element: NA
Description: This allows the clan member to erase a part, or the whole dream. Since a person usually forgets his dreams, this technique is sometimes not required.
B-rank: 1-40% part of dream [15 CP]
A-rank: 1-70% part of dream [25 CP]
S-rank: 1-100% part of dream [35 CP]

Originally Accepted Here


Last edited by Kaira on Sat 11 Aug 2012, 5:54 pm; edited 5 times in total
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Kiseki
Konoha Nin
Kiseki

Posts : 1216

Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] EmptySat 11 Aug 2012, 4:49 pm

Quote :
Name: Naito Sutairu:Kyosei-teki ni entori [Night Style: Force Entry ]
Type: Ninjutsu
Rank: D~S
Range: Eyecontact
Element: NA
Description:The user must have the Sleepy Eyes activated. While the user is trying to get the opponent to sleep, the force entry jutsu should be used as the opponent is getting tired. This technique will allow the user to access the opponent's dream without permission.

Name: Naito Sutairu: Sosa [Night Style: Manipulation ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: C~S
Range: NA, Takes place inside the dream
Element: NA
Description: This allows the user to manipulate the dream's environment to his/her will. This can only be used once every three posts.
C- Add items, weather, temperature
B- Time, weather, add items, scenery, temperature
A- Terrain, time, weather, add items, scenery, temperature
S- Terrain, time, weather, add items, scenery, natural disasters

Name: Naito Sutairu: Shina [Night Style: Sealed ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: A
Range: Happens within the dream
Element: NA
Description: This seals the users mind from waking up. Since entering one's dream is technically not a genjutsu but a mixture of both ninjutsu and genjutsu, Kai won't help. This simply makes the user fall into a deep sleep where he cannot get up on his own but needs the help of someone else.

Name: Naito Sutairu: U~ibadorimu [Night Style: Dream Weaver ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: A
Range: Happens Within The Dream
Element: NA
Description: This allows the user to force the dream into something they want to happen. This does not affect the opponent, but rather creates more effects. The difference between this and the manipulation technique is that this does not affect the environment but the other characters in the dream.

Name: Naito Sutairu: Sakujo [Night Style: Delete ]
Type: Ninjutsu/Genjutsu
Rank: B~S
Range: Happens within the Dream
Element: NA
Description: This allows the clan member to erase a part, or the whole dream. Since a person usually forgets his dreams, this technique is sometimes not required.
B-rank: 1-40% part of dream
A-rank: 1-70% part of dream
S-rank: 1-100% part of dream

These all need chakra cost.

So does your dojutsu.

Do you have skype so we can discuss edits over that instead? It would make things much easier for me.
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Kiseki
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Kiseki

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Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] EmptySat 11 Aug 2012, 5:58 pm

All edits have been discussed over skype.

1/2 Approval
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Enzo
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Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] EmptySun 12 Aug 2012, 6:58 pm

I'm going to have to tear into this application much more than Kiseki did, to ensure the clan doesn't become drastically over powered. Though the intent of the clan may be harmless; if someone else were to join and attempt to abuse the powers, it may provide a future nuisance. Apologies in advance if my criticism comes off as threatening or offensive.
  • Signature Traits • A bit of a nitpick, but the signature traits could easily be bundled up into a more bulky paragraph, or expanded on a bit further. Though not necessarily a major flaw, it makes the clan seem very lacking in depth. In the end, it's up to you if you want to change this.
  • Dream Passage • Several things here: "A person with extremely weak will will allow another persons mind to be violated." - Aside from having to fix the double usage of the word "will" (which is grammatically incorrect), you'll also need to establish what a "weak will" is. Most members on this site aren't going to willingly submit to an assault on their mind, and I can guarantee you every one of them will say something along the lines of "My will is strong enough." Thus, you'll need to determine what the minimum difference between the user and the other member has to be. Whether it be a ten year age difference, or 1 character rank above their target (These are simply examples of course, not to be taken as a literal suggestion).

    "If it was for attack the dream distance has to be a maximum radius of 10 miles. " This needs to be greatly reduced to say.. 100m. When in combat are you ever going to need to invade the dream of someone farther than even 30m? Regardless, I fail to see how this can be used effectively in combat, and if it can, then you'll definitely need to add a chakra cost for using this; along with at least an example of it being used in combat, if not a description.

    One last thing, the section mentions that you need permission from the other person to enter. The only part that confuses me, is whether this permission is permanent, or only for that one instance. For example; if the user wishes to enter their friend's dream passage, and the friend accepts, is the user allowed to enter their dream passage 3 years down the line, or is a reconfirmation required? One other thing, what exactly would a confirmation be? I ask because if your character happened to say, torture someone for a confirmation; would a simple "yes" be required, or do they need to be mentally willing?
  • Inter-Dream Communication • "Once they do, the other person who is not a member of the clan could be active while dreaming, and secret conversations could go on." What do you mean by the bolded part? Are they active in the dream, or are they communicating while active and awake..?
  • Dream Attacks • This is Genjutsu by definition, and is coincidentally not a feature that would be limited to a clan. You may keep the ability, as long as it is stated this is not something limited specifically to this clan (unless you can explain why it would be), and it is a Genjutsu tactic; in that one will need the Genjutsu Spec. to use the Dream Attacks.
  • Dream Manipulation • Also a form of Genjutsu, and it should state the same as Dream Attacks unless you can sway my opinion otherwise. One other thing: "or is strong-willed, they cannot shift the environment." This will need elaborating on what "strong will" entails. Anyone can just say they have a strong will, and thus the purpose of the technique becomes obsolete when left vague.
  • Dojutsu • For stage one, please make the "Accessible To" Field be "C-ranked Masayume" instead of D-rank. We do not allow D-ranked playable characters, therefore it is impossible to have a D-rank Masayume. For the rest of the dojutsu, you'll need to be more clear in what you mean by "Major", "Good", and "Weak" influence. The percentages are confusing, since we don't do dice-rolls on US, nor is there a fair way to decide whether or not the jutsu lands. So please change this into something that either makes sense or explain the Dojutsu with far more depth than it is now. It also seems to contradict with your previous statement that it requires 2 posts to place someone into sleep. The "Sleep Invading" feature also need some elaborating, as it is not referenced anywhere with clarity. One last thing: We don't have E and D-ranked shinobi on this site. The lowest official rank is C-rank (Genin), unless you mean someone like an Academy Ninja, in which case it should probably just be written as "low ranking civilians", rather than E and D-rank ninja. This is simply for clarity as E-rank and D-rank characters do not actually exist in our universe.
  • Jutsu • Please read the updated Genjutsu Guide and rewrite your Genjutsu accordingly. Also, Nin-Gen is not a valid combination for jutsu; as the two are far too different to be in one jutsu. Simple things like Nin-Tai work because one can easily coat their fist in fire chakra, but Nin-Gen doesn't really sound logical. Either way, the jutsu are purely Genjutsu, unless an explanation for their Ninjutsu abilities is provided. Once these jutsu are rewritten according to the new Genjutsu template; I will review them fairly.

That is all for now.
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Emperor of Rock
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Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] Masayume Clan [[Resubmission]] EmptySat 19 Jan 2013, 7:09 pm

Archived due to inactivity.
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