French Military History (A series of defeats)

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the
next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things,
an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only
country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant,
but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every
since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the
English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only
wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the
opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember
the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no
match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the
role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday
night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of
French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner,
but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the
United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel
Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take
to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and
produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the
French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent
history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal:
"They're there when they need you."

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

Posts : 487

LMFuckingAO

Sad, yet so true xD

Posts : 1044

Oh well, we can't all be Russia.

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Age : 33 Posts : 232

O Thank god! I read the title "French Military" and thought this would be a joke thread hahaha no way can you talk good about the French Military lol. Only time they had power, was with Napolian, and they still lost that didnt they? hahaha

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Yeahpers!

The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious
only when not led by a
Frenchman."

Age : 37 Posts : 1136

I would like to point out the French have arguably the best light infantry unit in the world, 'The French Foreign Legion' who are truly impressive soldiers. Wait a minute .... none of them are French. Forget I mentioned anything

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

who the hell would want to work for the french???? da hell?

Posts : 118

French Military Tactical Class:

How To Raise The White Flag of Surrender - 1st Rule.
How to make an Effective Tactical Retreats - 2nd Rule.
Build a Giant Wall of Arms that any idiot with a Brain could get around, Note that this should be recognizable to anyone above the age of 3. - 3rd Rule.
Run - 4th Rule.
Call in for Allies, Make them do the work - 5th Rule.

Feel free to add.

How to perform anal sex with out creating blood - 6th rule

Posts : 118

Age : 32 Posts : 57

Finally, I thought I was the only one who thought the French Army was a bunch of *Censored*

Quote :: "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion.

They are more like the bait, a country invades them and we get an excuse to go to war

Hooray for hot blooded americans!

Age : 33 Posts : 232

I will give them this! They are good for cover opps. Sneaking around behind enemy lines is their talents.

Posts : 487

Gabe wrote:: I will give them this! They are good for cover opps. Sneaking around behind enemy lines is their talents.

They're so good, only because they know they can't win a fight if they get caught.

Posts : 118

Gabe wrote:: I will give them this! They are good for cover opps. Sneaking around behind enemy lines is their talents.

Covert Ops* and I beg to differ, especially since their Covert ops has failed to participate in the past 30 years of warfare.

Age : 27 Posts : 332

LMAO, sadly im part french......luckily i am part british too so i am special hehe

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

I am like 1/16th french..

But I'm also German, Austrian, Irish, and Romanian

Age : 27 Posts : 332

Posts : 118

I'm 0% French. ;D

Age : 31 Posts : 2547

Long live Italy!

Posts : 487

Norwegians and Germans ftw Cool

Posts : 118

John wrote:: Long live Italy!

Get Some!

Age : 30 Posts : 92

Napoleone di Buonaparte

a man who almost conquered the war in eleven years and lost because of his ego.

lol