Ultimate Shinobi - A Naruto RPG
Ultimate Shinobi - A Naruto RPG
Ultimate Shinobi - A Naruto RPG
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.



 
HomePortalLatest imagesSearchRegisterLog in

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin]

View previous topic View next topic Go down
Zevas
Zevas

Posts : 55

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 15 Jan 2013, 1:48 am

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRju_XFrRZQp-oqmXbonkd5mDBc0rbZHldlIdX-a5LKbtI-hXFuQjkWWtbQqw

Hyuuga, Zevas

THE INFO.

Name: Zevas Hyuuga
Nickname:
Age: 13
Gender: Male
Appearance: Zevas is a pale, thin, caucasion male, standing five feet tall. He is built like a pole with a lengthy body and arms. Not much fat resides on his body, having a cut physique. Zevas has the signature cold, dead white Hyuuga eyes, with that even more well known Hyuuga gleam of pride and disdain for all they looked upon, as well as his jet black hair that reaches down to rest in between his shoulder blades. His hairstyle has some hair in front of his head and behind it as well. His face looks delicate, and his skin is actually quite soft. His nose has a slight curve on the bridge, making his face seeming to be almost chiseled out of the finest material. Even his lips are that of the best kisser in the world.

Zevas has no tattoos, no seals on his body, being of the main branch, and no physical defects. He does have a few scars from skirmishes he has gotten into. On the lower left side of his rib cage, is a scar, four inches long. The scar was from a kunai that nearly gutted Zevas. Another scar is on his right shoulder, from a shuriken that had gotten stuck there on accident during a practice session. These marks are lightly colored and slightly raised higher than the normal skin. Not too noticeable from the average person's sight.

Unlike the traditional Hyuuga wear, Zevas has a mainly black attire. He wears a sleeveless black shirt on hs skin, and over this he wears a zipped up sweater, like a spring jacket, that is loose on his body. He wears black pants of a soft yet durable material, with spandex around the waist and ankles to assure that the pants do not fall off. The rest of the lower half falls loosely onto Zevas' legs, leaving comfortable breathing room.

Forehead Protector: On the waist in the front of the body
Personality: Unlike the traditional Hyuuga, Zevas is more of an outgoing shinobi. Something must have happened to him a birth to be so emotionally different from the rest of his clan. He prefers pulling pranks over meditating, and eating like a pig over manners. The same comes to his battle style, as when he fights his mood isnt that of a calm hyuuga, instead he chooses to release a relentless assault until his enemy is fully incapacitated. Some say when Zevas matures he will turn into a full fledged killer, not stopping until the opponent isnt recognizable by the next of kin. Till that point in time though, Zevas is an energetic and outgoing genin who loves to live life to the fullest, with a slight side of stubbornness to his outlook. People take this as him being an unruly child, when in fact it is more of a strength than it is a weakness. Some would call him a fool, getting back up every time he is knocked down, even against all odds. Zevas even challenged higher ranking members of his clan in his hard headedness, trying to better himself.

Zevas has somewhat of a split personality, with a singular mind. Picture two of him, in his mind, with different views. Its not like he has two different personalities, just majorly undecided in his head. This has lead to instability at times, and also the work of genius. They say to heads are better than one right? The back and forth can cause a single revelation in the hyuuga's mind. Zevas can even be seen arguing with himself, even over the most minute matters. This also entails to Zevas' nindo, because usually when one mentality gives up, the other one pushes him forward to keep doing his best. Zevas has to keep in mind he has this...defect, in order for him to keep it hidden, although it is, at times, hard to do so. His darker personality gives him a lower stance and devilish demeanor. When this personality is dominant, Zevas will be willing to go beyond the extremes. His Graffiti will cover entire buildings, not just one wall, and they will depict gruesome and horrific images. Zevas will play jokes on people, mean pranks, and when in a battle he will not hesitate to make a killing blow. When Zevas has his lighter personality in control, he will take a strong tall stance, usually walking with his arms crossed behind his back. His graffiti will depict a scenery of joy that brings happiness to the heart. Possibly children playing in the meadow or butterflies flying n the breeze. He will help others at a moments notice, and in batle he will do his best to incapacitate an opponent if he can without killing them.
Clan: Hyuuga
Nindō: Striving to reach my goal, never give up

THE NINJA.

Origin: Mizu no Kuni
Affiliation: Kiri
Rank: C
Specialties:
  • Fuinjutsu
  • Taijutsu

Elemental Affinities:
  • Raiton
  • Fuuton

Combat Style: Zevas fights like any hyuuga, and that is usually up close. But, there is something different about his fighting style than one may assume. Yes he uses the gentle fist style, but he doesnt use it like the rest of his clan does. Instead Zevas uses a mix of techniques from his caln and outside of it to totally incapacitate the enemy. Zevas isnt really gentle with his attacks either. He prefers to go all out, get things done and over with, not drag the battles out and give the enemy an opportunity to make a come back. His techniques, used in combination, help him maintain a healthy level of stamina, not to drain himself out while fighting. If the enemy were to get a hold of him Zevas could easily use a number of jutsu to free himself, while continuing his ethics of incapacitating his foe. Zevas prefers to come into a battle unburden, being able to be light on his feet, but also to have a back up for every situation he is in, literally pulling an ace out of the hole, or having tricks up his sleeves.

Special Characteristics: Clan Mastery
Spoiler:

THE BACKGROUND.

History:
Birth Arc-
Spoiler:

Academy Arc-
Spoiler:

Genin Arc-
Spoiler:

Roleplay Sample:
Spoiler:

THE ARSENAL.

Weaponry:
Spoiler:

Jutsu:

Clan Jutsu:
Spoiler:

Natural Jutsu:
Spoiler:

Jutsu
Spoiler:

Regular Jutsu:
Spoiler:

Academy jutsu:
Spoiler:

FACE CLAIM.

Character Claim: Random Hyuuga
Source: Internet
Image URL:http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRju_XFrRZQp-oqmXbonkd5mDBc0rbZHldlIdX-a5LKbtI-hXFuQjkWWtbQqw


Last edited by Zevas on Tue 22 Jan 2013, 9:58 pm; edited 19 times in total
Back to top Go down
MsMoney
Wanderer
MsMoney

Age : 37
Posts : 2201

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 15 Jan 2013, 6:47 pm

Hey there, a few things worth mentioning;



  • Your appearance needs to be a bit longer, like around 100+ more words. And I also wanted to point out that the Hyuuga have white eyes, not pale blue.

    Quote :
    The Hyuuga Clan are known for their shoulder length jet-black hair and pale skin. As a result of their advanced genetic mutation 'Byakugan' their eyes are strangely pure white

  • I want you to add more personality. Two solid paragraphs should be the minimum, and especially since you are applying for a clan. I always want people to show a bit more efforts when they apply for those.

  • Add a tad bit more of a history, what about friends in the academy? And how does he do in teams? Just a little more stuff, nothing huge.

  • There is a broken code in the 'Natural jutsu' section. Also, fix the coding for some of the fuuin jutsu.

  • Quote :
    increasing their reflexes from electrical stimulation, as well as giving the users' attack a paralyzing punch behind it, due to the increased electrical output. This causes a numbing sensation in the opponent and slows down whatever limb has been hit.

    Remove the increasing their reflexes from electrical stimulation part.

    The paralyzing punch part needs to have a description on how long the effects last.

  • Quote :
    Name: Chakra Replacement Technique
    Rank: C
    Type: Fuuinjutsu, Supplementary
    Range: Close (0m - 5m)
    Element: N/A
    Description: used in conjunction with the gentle fist technique. This Technique will replenish the chakra used by the Hyuuga, while Byakugan is activated, through the sealing of tenketsu against the opponent. When the hyuuga attacks the opponent, and sends their chakra into an enemy with the gentle fist technique, they will then draw out some of the enemy's chakra to replenish what they used. This technique cannot be used to gain more than full capacity of chakra.
    Chakra Cost:5cp

    This one has to be removed, you cannot use the chakra points attack to steal chakra. Plus we are pretty strict when it comes to chakra stealing techniques.

  • Quote :
    Name: Sealing Fists
    Rank: C - S
    Type: Fuuinjutsu, Taijutsu
    Range: Close
    Element: N/A
    Description: Zevas is able to seal jutsu into has hands, and return the power in elemental form through a taijutsu attack.
    Chakra Cost: 6cp, 12cp, 22cp, 36cp

    This jutsu needs more description on how exactly it works. Also note that he can only use this technique with jutsu which have already been sealed in the same thread. He can also only seal techniques of his rank or lower.

  • Quote :

    Name: Summoning Seal
    Rank: D
    Type: Fuuinjutsu, Supplementary
    Range: Close (0m - 5m) to Long (10m+)
    Element: N/A
    Description: Zevas will place a seal on someone or something, nothing bigger than roughly four times his size. Once the seal has been placed Zevas can use the summoning jutsu itself to someone what he had placed the seal on. This can be used on comrades for quick travel as well.
    Chakra Cost: 3cp

    4 times his size is a bit too big for a D rank jutsu. And you cannot summon people.
  • Quote :
    Name: Body Paralysis
    Rank: D
    Type: Fuuinjutsu, Taijutsu
    Range: Close (0m - 5m)
    Element: N/A
    Description: In conjunction with the fighting style the user uses, they will attempt to place a seal on the opponent they are fighting. When a seal is placed on the limb it seals the movement for that limb. This lasts for two posts because it takes time for the chakra in the body to deteriorate such a seal. However, if no chakra can reach the seal then the limb will permanently stay sealed till it is removed.
    Chakra Cost: 4cp

    This technique needs a CP per post.

  • Quote :
    Name: Sensory Seal
    Rank: D
    Type: Fuuinjutsu
    Range: Close to Long
    Element: N/A
    Description: A seal will be placed on someone or something, and the user who place will be able to sense where that someone or something is.
    Chakra Cost: 4cp

    This technique needs to be C rank, it needs a CP cost per post and a range.

  • You need to finish filling out your FC.

Back to top Go down
Zevas
Zevas

Posts : 55

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyWed 16 Jan 2013, 1:10 am

dun du du dun
Back to top Go down
MsMoney
Wanderer
MsMoney

Age : 37
Posts : 2201

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyWed 16 Jan 2013, 5:46 pm



  • Your personality needs a bit more adding. When I ask of two paragraphs, keep in mind that a single paragraph holds about 250 - 300 words.

  • Did you add anything into the history? 0.o Because I see no difference. My apologies if you did. It is rather short still. I am only being a bit more strict towards this because of the fact that you are applying for a Hyuuga. Smile I'm not trying to be mean or anything.

  • Sealing Fists; Add to the technique that he can only use techniques he has sealed in the same thread.

  • Please watch out for your grammar. There are many times where you forget to make a space between words or use a wrong grammar. Have that in mind when you start rp-ing.

  • Sensory Seal; Please put the meters in the range also in.

Back to top Go down
Zevas
Zevas

Posts : 55

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyWed 16 Jan 2013, 7:10 pm

doobey doobey doo
Back to top Go down
MsMoney
Wanderer
MsMoney

Age : 37
Posts : 2201

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyMon 21 Jan 2013, 5:35 pm

(1/2) approved.
Back to top Go down
CleverYamanaka
Wanderer
CleverYamanaka

Age : 29
Posts : 1688

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyMon 21 Jan 2013, 10:46 pm

Approved
2/2
COOKIE!

Please make sure to go set up an account.
Once you do, you'll be good to go!
Back to top Go down
Enzo
Kumo Nin
Enzo

Age : 28
Posts : 1797

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyMon 21 Jan 2013, 11:03 pm

Second Approval Revoked
I have issues with some of the jutsu. Will post in full promptly.
Back to top Go down
http://www.ultimateshinobi.darkbb.com/forum
Enzo
Kumo Nin
Enzo

Age : 28
Posts : 1797

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyMon 21 Jan 2013, 11:58 pm

Quote :
Elemental Fists
This should definitely be separated into different jutsu. It grants different effects per element, and is therefore not something you can simply alternate between selectively. Jutsu are only allowed to be composed of 1 element, or 1 advanced element. They cannot have variations based on the elemental chakra used. Please make this into two different techniques.

Quote :
Sealing Fists
Sorry, but this jutsu is way too vague. First, off, how are you even sealing it into your hands? Are you making hand seals? Are there seals on your hands that are available for jutsu storage? Also; seals can only perform 1 action, 2 at best. This jutsu is performing a total of 3. It's sealing a jutsu(1), and then allowing you to either release the jutsu(2), or convert it into an element for taijutsu(3). The 'or' is the worrisome part, as you first state the jutsu absorbs the oncoming ninjutsu, then converts it into elemental energy; then go on to state he can either release the jutsu, or release the energy. "So say someone attacks with a c rank fireball, zevas can either engulf his hands in flames with c rank fire, or hurl that c rank fireball back at the enemy." This would be two different jutsu. Pick one effect. Finally: you make no reference to how many jutsu you can store in these seals(?) at one time. I assume it's only one at a time. Also; this jutsu is auto-denied if the effect is 'turns the jutsu into a seal on contact', as this basically implies one could kick the jutsu and it would get sealed on their boot.

Quote :
Summoning Seal
Make a note that the marked object has to be in the same topic, else this could easily be abused.

Quote :
Transporting Fists
I don't understand what this jutsu does at all. What are you doing? Placing seals on him? If so, why is that a jutsu? And uh.. what exactly do the seals do? I'm very confused how placing a seal on someone will cause a weapon to pop out. What kind of seals are these, and why do they have weapons on them? When were these weapons sealed? Raises more questions than I can begin to ask.

Quote :
Body Paralysis
Way too powerful for a D-rank technique, and the escape clause is too vague. You're telling me that if chakra is applied, it still takes 2 posts to break? Nuh uh; paralysis and binding jutsu require a definite escape clause, such as "requires 5CP to break the seal", otherwise they'd be too OP to be allowed on the site. If you want to keep it low rank (say C-rank), you'll need a set time limit for the jutsu's effects as well. Remember, Danzo's full body sealing jutsu was A-rank, and it did exactly this, but harder to break. Also, what's the range for the paralysis effect? The jutsu is called Body paralysis, but I sure hope it doesn't stun the entire body. State what happens if the chest or head are struck.

Quote :
Sensory Seal
Give the 3cp/post variant a set limit. ie. 10m-20m; otherwise you're telling me you can sense someone from a hundred meters away (which is a skill exclusive to those with the Sensory SC).

Other than that, you're fine.
Back to top Go down
http://www.ultimateshinobi.darkbb.com/forum
Zevas
Zevas

Posts : 55

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 22 Jan 2013, 1:00 am

bumpity
Back to top Go down
Enzo
Kumo Nin
Enzo

Age : 28
Posts : 1797

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 22 Jan 2013, 4:37 am

Quote :
Summoning Seal
Funny.

Quote :
Transporting Fists
Still very confused what this does and how it works. Here's my theory, and correct me if I'm wrong. You're placing seals on the enemy while performing taijutsu (how you can write seals that fast is an alarming question. Or are you like, putting sticky-notes on them?), and these seals will release themselves to spawn a weapon (I don't think you mention it having any momentum..). Now, question, if you're spawning a weapon, wouldn't it pop out toward your character? Since the seal is on the target, it can't immediately be unsealed and proceed to say, stab the item into the flesh; kind of makes no sense. Finally; the last bit seems to be a different jutsu altogether; since it appears you're unsealing an item and giving it momentum, unlike the previous technique which appeared to have done.. something. Note: Unsealing and sealing rapidly doesn't create any push. It's actually impossible to simply unseal nothing, as the seal has nothing to well, unseal. Sealing sucks something in, and unsealing expels it; so like, conservation of energy and whatnot. Point is: adding a kick to your punches would be a separate fuuinjutsu on its own, and not a part of the unsealing of an object. Also, a final question: Do you perform hand seals to activate the seals? I hope so, otherwise how are they activated o3o;

Quote :
Body Paralysis
Should be C-rank, and the CP cost should be higher to accomodate the rank increase. Also; the torso variant doesn't seem to make much sense; as paralyzing the connecting limbs kind of prevents the electrical signal from reaching the other limbs. Kind of hard to imagine a person with a dysfunctional set of knees and a perfectly fine working pair of calfs. Mind editing it to something less strange/severe; ie. stiff movements or delayed reaction time.

That's about it. Apologies for the delayed response.
Back to top Go down
http://www.ultimateshinobi.darkbb.com/forum
Zevas
Zevas

Posts : 55

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 22 Jan 2013, 5:35 pm

edited, and i just removed transporting fists because i just woke up and want to be approved and its taking too much time and it will be easier this way.
Back to top Go down
Enzo
Kumo Nin
Enzo

Age : 28
Posts : 1797

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 22 Jan 2013, 7:09 pm

Quote :
Body Paralysis
This is still D-rank :c
Back to top Go down
http://www.ultimateshinobi.darkbb.com/forum
Zevas
Zevas

Posts : 55

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyTue 22 Jan 2013, 9:59 pm

lol i upgraded the cost but forgot to add in the new rank XD retard move but edited
Back to top Go down
Enzo
Kumo Nin
Enzo

Age : 28
Posts : 1797

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptyThu 24 Jan 2013, 2:27 am

[2/2] Approved!
Back to top Go down
http://www.ultimateshinobi.darkbb.com/forum
Cookie Monster
Swaglord
Cookie Monster

Age : 29
Posts : 4301

Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] EmptySun 16 Jun 2013, 5:08 pm


Archived.
Due to inactivity.
Back to top Go down
http://www.ultimateshinobi.org
Sponsored content


Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Vide
PostSubject: Re: Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Hyuuga, Zevas [Kiri Genin] Empty

Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
-