True learning experience {RP Help for tennuyan}

Age : 36 Posts : 340

Tennuyan awoke early in the morning. The sun was bright, and not so high in the sky. He figured it must have been about seven or eight in the morning. He rose to his feet and stretched. He walked outside of his cabin and gathered up his pets. He sent Ailanna and Scampers into the woods to get themselves breakfast, as Drakhan stood there eating grass for now. Tennuyan walked to the back of his cabin and removed the blanket and got some meat. He walked back to the front of the house and lit a fire using a fire jutsu and some wood. He cooked his meal and then ate it.

He wondered what he was gonna do today. Was he gonna run and train? Attack Konoha? Spend time with his pets? He wasn't sure, but he knew he had to do something. He hated having to sit around doing nothing all day, especially not on a beautiful day like today.

Age : 31 Posts : 152

(I won't post here just yet, but I will give you a few hints on how to make this better.

1. There isn't much of a point to this post, but there doesn't need to be for social topics like this...its prefered you make one though. Think of something that you'll do later that day, in the post. Like going shopping for food, or visiting family...

2. Detail. Detail. Detail. Your posts are blunt, without anything to connect one action to another... If you do this sort of thing a lot, in RP...then state as such, but still give a little detail. Instead of doing one thing after another, try sitting down on a rock, describing your enviornment, and conjole up a few thoughts. If you're bored with describing things, then have your stomach rumble and proceed to go get some food =P Y'know?

3. While in the middle of doing an action, describe WHAT you're doing, not just... ''He cooked something, and then ate it'' What did he cook? Did he have anything with the meal? How did it smell? Does it remind your character of anything? How'd you eat the meal?

4. Longer posts ='s DETAIL! Lots and lots of detail. So much detail it looks like a damn book. If you have trouble thinking of something, then imagine what it looks like inside the naru-world. Where you are, what you're doing...who's around you.

5. Use your 5 senses to the best of your ability.

Exp of 5 senses: Sight: What things look like. Smell: What your food or home may smell like. Hearing: Any birds, or signs of people near-by that your character can hear? Touch: What do your blankets feel like when you first wake up? Did you touch anything on your way out of the house? Burn your finger on the pan while making a meal maybe? Taste: Again, what does the food or drink taste like? Maybe a lingering taste from yesterdays dinner would be good.

Thats the top five hints to better Rping! =D Good luck <3)

Age : 32 Posts : 381

Tennuyan wrote:: Tennuyan awoke early in the morning. The sun was bright, and not so high in the sky. He figured it must have been about seven or eight in the morning. He rose to his feet and stretched.

Alright man, I'm gonna help you out. First sentence is alright, and I can see you are trying to describe the time of day, its a nice little touch, but I'd like to know, is your character still tired? What was it like in the room? Was it cold outside, or raining?

Quote :: He walked outside of his cabin and gathered up his pets.

Thats it? Thats all you can give me? Come on man, you just walk outside? This would be a perfect place to describe some sounds. Did the floor make any nose? Also, what does it look like in your house? How about the outside? What kind of pets do you have? When people read something, they like to put themselves in the characters shoes.

Quote :: He sent Ailanna and Scampers into the woods to get themselves breakfast, as Drakhan stood there eating grass for now.

What kind of breakfast did they go get? Did they go hunting, or did they good look for apples?

Quote :: Tennuyan walked to the back of his cabin and removed the blanket and got some meat. He walked back to the front of the house and lit a fire using a fire jutsu and some wood. He cooked his meal and then ate it.

Some meat? I'd like to know what kind of meat. Meat is a very blunt word, I mean you can use something like,

Spoiler:

That is just a small example.

Quote :: He wondered what he was gonna do today. Was he gonna run and train? Attack Konoha? Spend time with his pets? He wasn't sure, but he knew he had to do something. He hated having to sit around doing nothing all day, especially not on a beautiful day like today.

This is how you are going to end it? No one can really join this topic, unless its magic. You have to find a better way to end your posts. I mean, even "The smell of meat in the air was so strong that people in konoha could smell it."

I'm sure someone who has a character who loves food would follow a scent of bacon Very Happy

Age : 36 Posts : 340

((Attempt Two))

Tennuyan awoke early in the morning with the rising sun. 'Ugh, I don't wanna get out of bed it's so warm!' He thought to himself as he held his blankets tighter. He heard Drakhan whimper softly outside and decided he needed to get up and feed him. He took his first steps of the day out of his bed and the floor boards were cold. No heating was the price to pay as a criminal he figured. He stood tall as he rose out of bed and stretched greatly adding in a huge yawn. He heard his stomach growl so he stepped outside and walked to the back of his cabin.

He removed the stones that held the blanket down, and the meat safe. He lifted the blanket off the meat and took a few pieces off the stack. He placed them on the box that held his stones and bones of all shapes, colors, and sizes, and covered the meat stack back up. He placed the rocks once again and walked to the front of the house. He whistled as Ailanna flew over to him and Scampers ran up his leg and sat on his shoulder. He told Ailanna to search the woods for breakfast, and told Scampers to do the same.

He placed the meat on his window sill and grabbed some logs on the side of the house. He placed them in his firepit and set them up to burn effectively. He performed his hand signs and inhaled deeply. He stared at the logs and exhaled to help them catch fire. He grabbed one of his cooking sticks, and pierced the meat with it and placed it over the fire to cook. He threw a piece of meat towards Drakhan. Drakhan gobbled it up happily and continued to lie down. Tenn walked back over to the fire, and rotated his meat. Ailanna landed not far from Tennuyan and began to eat the sloth that she caught. Scampers came back with a few fruits and began to eat those slowly.

Tenn pulled his meat from the fire, and ate it slowly. He would use a shuriken to cut it up into pieces and ate each piece individually. He rose to his feet after he finished his meal, and Scampers ran up and sat on Drakhan's back, as Ailanna flew up and followed suit. Tenn walked back into the house and began to get dressed, and thought about what his day was going to be like. 'Should I attack Konohagakure again today? Perhaps go hunting? Or perhaps train? Maybe I should spend the day with Drakhan, Ailanna, and Scampers. I haven't done that in a while.' He walked outside and sat on a rock. He wasn't too far from the Konohagakure gates, but they couldn't see him from this distance.

Age : 32 Posts : 381

Much better this time. However, I do have one big problem with the post, and its at the end. You may have added more detail, but it would still be hard for someone to join. Something has to happen they will make someone leave the village.

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

Archived.
Due to archived character.