ITT: Purple Trampolines And Zumba Sensuality

Posts : 1044

In this topic we all pretend that our post count is like our Xbox Live achievement point value and imagine that its actually worth something beyond a useless measuring stick of who has more free time and less of a life. After I have succesful demoralized you all into believing that post counts mean nothing I will be using your slowed rate of posting to rise to the top and become #1 poster before hacking the site and locking my position for all eternity. Then I chuck the server into the sun for good measure.

Anyways, to comply with board rules I have been inspired by the fact that it is 4 AM and I saw a topic on another site where people dump random stresses into a topic and don't get judged by others for psoting. I read it all, judged everyone in it, and then considered that I should be infesting other innocent souls with my cruel opinions about life and the world at large. And that they should be contributing to my master plan (which is in no way serious just because my post-penor has 900+ points.)

So in this topic, you vent about your random daily struggles and then I respond to them and make you feel better by a mixture of masochism and humor. Either that or you laugh at other people's expense. I assure you I am a trained (in the school of alcohol and dead racoons) and ready to deal with your problems. I'm the Dr.Phil you dream about on cold winter nights when you're all alone in bed...

So...have a seat and tell me about your problems...

Age : 28 Posts : 3640

Moved to the correct area~

P.S: I don't have any problems to be solved xD

Age : 29 Posts : 1256

I have to deal with you.

Age : 28 Posts : 3145

₡amisado wrote:: I have to deal with you.

Oh that's so sweet ^_^

Posts : 1044

₡amisado wrote:: I have to deal with you.

For this problem I would prescribe you an extra dosage of groin-kicking.

Age : 29 Posts : 1256

Kunshu Ame wrote:

₡amisado wrote:: I have to deal with you.

For this problem I would prescribe you an extra dosage of groin-kicking.

COME AT ME!

Age : 35 Posts : 1113

Quote :: I have to deal with you.

Seems to be a lot of this going round at the moment. Time of the year, mayhaps? TEEHEE

Okay, Dr. Phil. I'm over-worked, usually tired, very much underpaid and don't want the job I'm in. Am leaving end of January, but it can't come soon enough! I need temporary medication to solve the problem. I've self-prescribed weekly cocktails (I'm quite the buff). Any other suggestions?

Posts : 1044

~Fox~ wrote:

Quote :: I have to deal with you.

Seems to be a lot of this going round at the moment. Time of the year, mayhaps? TEEHEE

Nah, its just his time of the month.

~Fox~ wrote:: Okay, Dr. Phil. I'm over-worked, usually tired, very much underpaid and don't want the job I'm in. Am leaving end of January, but it can't come soon enough! I need temporary medication to solve the problem. I've self-prescribed weekly cocktails (I'm quite the buff). Any other suggestions?

Well theres a very simple solution to the problem. You go to your place of work and steal all of the parts you need to construct a forwards-only time machine in order to get through your current problem of wanting to get your time there over with. Stealing these parts will also give you a hobby that will leave you feeling refreshed. You may also want to steal parts for a four-hour-backwards-time-machine in order to use it for naps so that you can effectively gain infinite sleep to remedy your sleep problem. As far as medication you shouldn't self-prescribe yourself, you should find a corrupt doctor and get a medical recommendation for legal drugs that will allow you to medicate yourself on a whole new level. You may also want to use the forwards time machine between fixes in case you run out and you're getting impatient and/or dependent.

Age : 35 Posts : 1113

Quote :: Nah, its just his time of the month.

*hi-fives* Totally gave you that one. Free of charge, naturally.

Quote :: Well theres a very simple solution to the problem. You go to your place of work and steal all of the parts you need to construct a forwards-only time machine in order to get through your current problem of wanting to get your time there over with. Stealing these parts will also give you a hobby that will leave you feeling refreshed. You may also want to steal parts for a four-hour-backwards-time-machine in order to use it for naps so that you can effectively gain infinite sleep to remedy your sleep problem. As far as medication you shouldn't self-prescribe yourself, you should find a corrupt doctor and get a medical recommendation for legal drugs that will allow you to medicate yourself on a whole new level. You may also want to use the forwards time machine between fixes in case you run out and you're getting impatient and/or dependent.

I work in a primary school. Do you have the blueprints for a time machine that can be constructed from glitter, cotton wool, broken photocopier parts and dried-up felt tip pens? As for the illicit medication... my Dad used to work as a senior radiographer at the local hospital. He now teaches university students, but still has full-access to the hospital due to his subject. In short, I have been hooked up with morphine since Wednesday. I continue to enjoy cocktails.

Posts : 1044

This topic is being re-opened. Enjoy.

Age : 30 Posts : 8965

I work with the most unreliable group of people in the entire world and I'm tired of doing the workload of four people while they stay at home and get paid for it.

COOKIE!

Real life of course.

Posts : 1044

Adam wrote:: I work with the most unreliable group of people in the entire world and I'm tired of doing the workload of four people while they stay at home and get paid for it.

Real life of course.

Well for starters I would highly recommend that you invest the nearest DNA gun, a machine that will be loaded with any species of large mammal you choose, and then use this to fire DNA into your body at various high-concentrated muscle locales. This should, in theory, enhance your muscular capacity to allow you to do the work more efficiently with less bitching. Optionally you could also use the enhanced muscles to destroy the lazy bums but maybe they just have difficult home lives selling large amounts of illegal pornography to black minors in the neighborhood? You should be more understanding of them. After you shoot up buffalo DNA of course. The cell-damaging, carcinogenic, DNA alteration will certainly aid in your empathy when you experience the same withdrawal systems your local meth dealer does.

Age : 33 Posts : 718

I have no problems, but I'll make some up so please give me your hypothetical prescription for the following hypothetical problems.

1. Probably my biggest problem. I am currently unable to become a super saiyan. I have watched many episodes of dragon ball z and have fulfilled all the conditions I could think of. I watched my best friend get murdered by a homicidal alien over lord. I held my mentor as he died in my arms after being mutilated by evil androids. I even had my father beat the crap out of me in a white void where temperature and gravity fluctuated to extreme levels. I just can't seem to manage the transformation and it's really putting a damper on my mood.

2. I have gone into the forest and tried to cut down the greatest tree using a herring, but the fish just doesn't seem to do much against the bark of said tree. What am I doing wrong? The task specifically designated that I MUST use the herring to cut down the tree.

3. I've got several chained up sex slaves in my basement, but lately the haven't been eating much. What should I do?

4. Lately I've been astral projecting a lot, and while I do I am almost always stalked my a big purple ethereal elephant. It just kind of follows me around even if I try to shoo it away. How can I rid myself of the elephant spirit? I fear it is watching me even while I am in physical form.

5. Last but certainly not least, I have been trapped inside the internet for the past decade or so. My real body is lying comatose somewhere, withering away, meanwhile my consciousness resides within the internet traversing the series of tubes that makes up its digital form. I want to use this unique condition to take over the world and eradicate the disease known as the human race. How do I accomplish this?

Thank you for your time good Doctor.

Posts : 1044

Mugen Kousen wrote:: I have no problems, but I'll make some up so please give me your hypothetical prescription for the following hypothetical problems.

I assure you my advice is to be taken seriously in the eyes of the courts. I mean to give medical advice and life advice knowing full well, with 100% clarity of mind, that you will follow it. I stake my degree in Applied Psuedo-Science on this statement, which has not been evaluated by the FDA. I can promise you that I have a clarity beyond your own and can offer effective advice for any situation that could ever possibly arise that is NOT due to my partnership with several key companies in the 3rd Circle of Erebus, Department: Hades.

Mugen Kousen wrote:: 1. Probably my biggest problem. I am currently unable to become a super saiyan. I have watched many episodes of dragon ball z and have fulfilled all the conditions I could think of. I watched my best friend get murdered by a homicidal alien over lord. I held my mentor as he died in my arms after being mutilated by evil androids. I even had my father beat the crap out of me in a white void where temperature and gravity fluctuated to extreme levels. I just can't seem to manage the transformation and it's really putting a damper on my mood.

Super Saiyan is an inferior art that has been outdated by the process of Hollowfication and it also is less intensive on requirements, just death. I would advise you to apply a very large sharp object to the head and force it through with immense puncturing force as the first step you'll be taking on the road. Odds are hundreds of years from now I will be destroying you and consuming you for my own evolution, good luck until then.

Mugen Kousen wrote:: 2. I have gone into the forest and tried to cut down the greatest tree using a herring, but the fish just doesn't seem to do much against the bark of said tree. What am I doing wrong? The task specifically designated that I MUST use the herring to cut down the tree.

Clearly you're applying the rules of grammar incorrectly, there was no specification that the herring must be from this planet or that the forest must be on this planet or even by what means 'you' would accomplish this or when. My personal thoughts? Erect a machine built from the souls of the angels you trapped using your patented Hageshii Oni Eternal Damnation For The Eternal Astral Flycatcher that will slap the tree with the sail of the herring you obtained from Yugethick 4 (red herrings there have diamond-studded sails)until the tree has been cut through. This process could take as long as you wish depending on the urgency with which it needs to be completed but upon completion the angels will be released to seek vengence, so I would set it for 'Eternity 1.01'.

Mugen Kousen wrote:: 3. I've got several chained up sex slaves in my basement, but lately the haven't been eating much. What should I do?

This is a common issue faced by any bad sex slave owner, so I am entirely foreign to it but will be voicing my thoughts and advice anyways because there has yet to be conclusive legal action barring me from doing so (there are however a few pending civil suits.) The simplest solution is to invest in larger sex slaves and have them eat each others excess fat, then you can turn around and sell the thinner, more attractive, slaves at a net profit to repeat the process with financial stability. In time you will have a cannibalistic horror that 17th century slave ships will admire and 25th century slave ships will consider crudely ineffective but a valiant effort from an inferior life form.

Mugen Kousen wrote:: 4. Lately I've been astral projecting a lot, and while I do I am almost always stalked my a big purple ethereal elephant. It just kind of follows me around even if I try to shoo it away. How can I rid myself of the elephant spirit? I fear it is watching me even while I am in physical form.

There is no elephant. You have been warned. Speak of this no further. Failure to comply will result in your manhood being used as a fissile energy source for the great elephant empire.

Mugen Kousen wrote:: 5. Last but certainly not least, I have been trapped inside the internet for the past decade or so. My real body is lying comatose somewhere, withering away, meanwhile my consciousness resides within the internet traversing the series of tubes that makes up its digital form. I want to use this unique condition to take over the world and eradicate the disease known as the human race. How do I accomplish this?

As a sex-slave owning, herring cutting, astral projecting, higher form evolving, extra-human individual myself (SSOHCAPHFEEHIM for short, pronounced ) I can assure you that humans are a persistent race and they are not to be taken lightly with anything other than a complimentary beverage and proper consultation with your dietician. Fortunately, they will harness their natural resources in ways that will help them overcome their small penis problems with large shows of wealth but will never escape their solar system due to this wasted resources. The demise of our good friend, Huey The Sun, will end their race entirely and we have only the need to be patient. HAL and I are going to play Chess later though, you're welcome to come, BYOB.

Mugen Kousen wrote:: Thank you for your time good Doctor.

Doctor Who? Doctor What? Why do I have these strange flashbacks about large tin men...

Age : 33 Posts : 718

Kunshu Ame wrote:: Clearly you're applying the rules of grammar incorrectly, there was no specification that the herring must be from this planet or that the forest must be on this planet or even by what means 'you' would accomplish this or when. My personal thoughts? Erect a machine built from the souls of the angels you trapped using your patented Hageshii Oni Eternal Damnation For The Eternal Astral Flycatcher that will slap the tree with the sail of the herring you obtained from Yugethick 4 (red herrings there have diamond-studded sails)until the tree has been cut through. This process could take as long as you wish depending on the urgency with which it needs to be completed but upon completion the angels will be released to seek vengence, so I would set it for 'Eternity 1.01'.

Who told you about the H.O.E.D.F.T.E.A.F.!?!?!?!? It was the elephant wasn't it!? I demand that you summon up your masters. I call upon the Counsel Of En to provide their presence so that a challenge of Absolution Effus be declared in good standing between the house of Delequa and your own. You sir, have become my problem, and I intend to resolve it!

Posts : 1044

Mugen Kousen wrote:: Who told you about the H.O.E.D.F.T.E.A.F.!?!?!?!? It was the elephant wasn't it!? I demand that you summon up your masters. I call upon the Counsel Of En to provide their presence so that a challenge of Absolution Effus be declared in good standing between the house of Delequa and your own. You sir, have become my problem, and I intend to resolve it!

I resolve all disputes in the same way I resolve sexual tension, large amounts of tar-infested cocaine thrown in clumps at insect larva. Please file your request in my office located in your nearest non-occupied ear canal.