Littner, Kamina [Hokage]

Age : 29 Posts : 1256

All right, I'm done. Now you'll have to wait till tomorrow for Hage's post.

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Thanks for all your work, Z =)

Posts : 1044

*yawn*
Was out of school, didn't get the time I usually take to do things, but I got some done and I'm off swimming soon so I'll make a post like I promised I would. I'll finish up when I get back, or at least I intend to, might get sidetracked.

Jounin Arc needs another paragraph.

You have a note underneath your history that says...

Quote :: Reserved for clan information

Should probably put it there.

Weaponry has two distinct specialties, you can't have Kenjutsu twice, that doesn't actually give you any bonus, nor does it help you in any fashion, all it does is break rules and look like you couldn't come up with anything else. Just shove something in there, Misc or Exotic would be a good choice.

Strength; Please specify that this is physical strength as you continually use the word 'strength' but that means quite a few different things in different contexts, though you imply physical strength. Just directly state it.

Chakra; How does your poor chakra control come into play? Should I keep that in mind while I run over your jutsu and point out what wouldn't possible for someone with poor chakra control and have it taken off?

Sword; You have an entire spec in Weaponry, just to have one blade? I would like to HIGHLY suggest you add weapons because a single blade isn't worth having a spec especially when you have nothing to fall back on it if its removed from your possession, destroyed, or you're made incapable of using it. Things happen, I'd advise you to be prepared for them.

Ten Ton Rusty Sword; and how does this ability actually work? You'd have to exert chakra to cause an effect like this because the blade doesn't have its own chakra pool because its not intelligent like Samehada, so everything comes out of your pool. How do you put chakra in it without being in contact, and how do you cause such effects to occur?

Light as a Feather; is this a one or two handed blade? Does the weight make it a one hander if it was two? Are their bonuses for using both hands even if one handed usage is possible?

Quote :: Only one of these abilities can be used per 5 posts, even if one is ended early. It costs an A rank amount of chakra to activate any of these abilities.

I assume you mean once per 5 posts?

Forger's Blade; if its an ability all clan members can access, why is it described as specifically relating to your character when you use pronouns? Severe burns where? (I assume on the hand, but specify) and a sunburn is significantly less substantial that severe burns, so why is sunburn after severe burns?

Assassins Blade; numbs the arm, your arm? I assume shutting down limbs is via electrical pulse of some sort, so you'll have to add a note about how it can be reversed or halted since opposing Raiton users or medical shinobi could do that. Also, again, with the neck targetting, the proper reverse current or medical technique would be able to prevent this from occurring, or even an adequate defense. I assume this requires bare skin.

Boxer Blade; you'll have to describe how the buster sword looks and how large it is in numbers. The pressure effects would have to be able to be hindered by another S Rank technique or weapon, though prolonged pressure would win out unless the defense or weapon has its own ability to prevent this. A direct hit to the heart is...stabbing them? hitting their chest? What are we talking about here. I assume the muscle bruising disables use of the arms?

Z wrote:: Just remove the completely invisible part and that should be fine.

Quote :: Kakuremino no Jutsu [Self Hiding Technique]
Type: Ninjutsu
Rank: E
Requirements: None.
Description: Either prior to or right after the use of this jutsu, the user hides themselves, often by means of hiding behind a cloak, in a bush, or such. Afterwards, they used their chakra to make them camouflage better with their environment. If the user is not hidden well, this has no effect, however, it can make a user that is well hidden, or beneath a cloak that is very close in appearance to their surroundings ~~become completely invisible.~~

Fake Stealth; actual jutsu won't be fooled through something that simple, you'd just register in two places in most cases, just figured you'd probably want to know that. And if you have to imbue chakra in it, I don't think a D Rank chakra is going to compare to your bodily amount to most jutsu anyhow, and the vas majority of sensing techniques rely on your body (ex. electrical currents your body gives off, echo-location, heat sense, etc.) and aren't going to be fooled either. So basically with this you can fool an Inuzuka relying on scent and nobody else as described.

Hair Extension; this works how?

Spoiler:

Projection; nothing works absolutely, doesn't happen. A honed ear could track back the bounces to an original location, but that would have to come for special characteristic or clan ability, it could still be done none the less, or a Uchiha or Hyuuga could know what sound waves came from chakra and not be fooled, theres lots of ways to get around this technique.

Chivalrous Spirit, how far does it extend? How long can it grow? Does it loss force as it travels excessively large distances and its mass extends (hint: it logically would.)

Fire Spit; easily flammable objects only.

Fire Trick; D Rank.

Fire Snap; D Rank if its instantaneous and only lasts the post, C Rank if it lasts much longer. You say a minute but that should be translated over into posting time like most other things have to be.

Slow Fuse; don't you mean Quick Fuse? Decent range is rather subjective, try 50ft or something.

Extinguish, can this be used during combat? If so, it would require chakra equivalent to the rank of jutsu being halted, also, how quickly does this occur?

Blanket; I assume this is strictly for social use? Otherwise you'll need a rank increase if you use it to say, shield your body from the heat damage of another jutsu, and a note about effecting opponents jutsu of certain ranks.

Z wrote:: Boukaheki no Jutsu [Fire Release: Fire Wall Technique: By low I assume you mean D or C rank, but assumptions aren't a very good thing for this. Please state the level of suiton jutsu able to be evaporated.

Mythical Fire Flower;

Quote :: Basically, the ninja controls everything, from the strength, and path of the fireballs (Relatively), to the speed they travel towards the target.

Far too open ended, needs some limits or that statement needs to be removed.

Minefield; uh, how can you do this without Doton? Earth won't store your chakra unless its a specific Doton technique, nor would it be able to activate a jutsu on its own with something like pressure without having Doton as well. At least how its explained anyhow, theres a method I could think of to make mines without using the earth but they'd be visible so its rather pointless.

Rain of Fire; how large is the area targeted?

Heatwave; how large is the wave and how hot (in general terms)?

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Will fix all at some point.

Posts : 1044

And for part two...

Burning Land; How long does it last in posts? How would this work when Kawarmi or Shushin are utilized since these are faster movements?

Flame Tower; How tall, how wide? Controlling something like this would take a conscious effort, and how many posts does it last, how fast does it travel or how many feet per post? Why does it discharge, wouldn't it remain coherent and just go through them? How large is the blast?

Flame Trap; what shape is the 'prison'? Is it made of solid flame, and can you perform other jutsu while holding this one?

Fire Touch; limit on what can and cant be effected by this. How long does this take? What effect does the flame have on objects? What about non-flammable objects? What amount of chakra effects what limit on size?

Meteor Strike; you'll need a precreated boulder to perform this jutsu, you can't just make one without having Doton. Also, you've repeated the same thing twice:

Quote :: The user hurls a boulder into the air and jumps up after it performing the right hand seals. The user then grabs the boulder in mid-air and, through Katon manipulation, covers it with fire nd jumps up after it performing the right hand seals. ~~The user then grabs the boulder in mid-air and, through Katon manipulation, covers it with fire~~ creating a blazing meteor to attack with, which could also be blown up into a gush of small flaming rocks.

Try this:

Quote :: The user hurls a boulder into the air and jumps up after it performing the right hand seals. The user then grabs the boulder in mid-air and, through Katon manipulation, covers it with fire and jumps up after it performing the right hand seals. This creates a blazing meteor to attack with, which could also be blown up into a gush of small flaming rocks.

Also, how wide is the effect of the flaming rocks? How large is each stone, large enough to matter or are they all pebble sized little bits that don't need size specification.

Blazing Sonata; seems more like a Taijutsu style than a jutsu to me. And your level of chakra control wouldn't make this possible anyhow.

Flame Wall; Just make the original jutsu variable rank and remove this one.

Terrain of Hell; how long? Can you use other jutsu in the same post that also take hand signs, does it take multiple posts to complete? How far do the flames extend each post and how strong are these flames? Probably A Rank as well, not S.

Lance of the Firegod; same with the handseals as mentioned above in Terrain of Hell. Seems more like A Rank than S Rank.

Shadowing Stealth; too close to Camoflauge Concealment which is an A Rank technique, why would this be two ranks below and achieve the same effect?

Silent Step; D Rank.

Ultimate Destruction; type would be Ninjutsu, not Fire.

Oh that reminds me, you're missing Element in your template for your jutsu. Why you replaced it with 'Requirements' I'm not sure, its not a part of the site template, Element belongs in its place or at least on the jutsu.

Hage wrote:: Weapon Invisibility; Also, there would need to be a size limit based on how much chakra you need to pump out to hide it, you're not running around with a 2 story tall invisible sword, not without drying your chakra to the bone anyhow. I can already see that this jutsu could be used with your weapon and cause problems when it gets larger, hence the 'no size limit' comment, and that size would require a greater chakra output to change.

(Edited for remaining things not corrected.)

Chakra Push; this jutsu still doesn't explain how you cause internal damage, texture is a purely external thing based on a sense of touch so that actually makes it even more prone to external damage than internal and doesn't explain it.

Mist Waltz; other apps Ive seen have this as B Rank, can you reference an application where this is a lower rank? Also...

Hage wrote:: Regardless, it needs a description of how much area is covered by the mist, how thick, how high, etc.

Hage wrote:: Lightbulb; This jutsu makes no sense, you don't have a light affinity so how could you create a ball of light? A ball of fire maybe, but a ball of light? And the forum needs post measurements, minutes are almost pointless for jutsu to be measured in unless they can't be used in combat.

Basically most of the Raiton has been neglected, needs to be changed as directed.

And...you actually need an RP Sample, just type up 500 words and shove it in there.

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Fixed.

Issues-

only 2 paragraphs are necessary per Arc, I think considering the size of some of my other Arcs, jounin is acceptable. If you really wanna push the issue, I'll add more, but in all honesty, it meets the site standard, with most of the rest of them excelling above it.

Fire Snap- it's not any sort of offensive technique, I don't think that the time it can be used for is necessary. It's more like, "Hey, need a light?" *snaps fingers* "here you go" *people in awe* lol.

Extinguish is used on prexisting fire

Flame Trap- "In order for this jutsu to be maintained, the user must always have their hands on the ground and be constantly supplying chakra to the prison."

Blazing sonata- It's movement of extremities, not actual kicks. And I explained chakra control ^_^

Terrain of hell, the initial 100 meters take place the first post. The flames are very strong, and expand rapidly, thats why it's S. They could theoretticaly do jutsu while this was happening, but not during the same post.

Lance of the firegod, Handseals are a no, and I extended the range abit to make it S.

Posts : 1044

Fire Snap; it can be used as a flame can, which means its has far more many useful abilities than you're accounting for, a flame is a tool and a tool is a very useful thing to have around, especially when its so cheap.

Extinguish; I didn't ask about the preexisting condition of a flame, I asked about whether it had a combat use and how it worked in combat, a flame can be created during combat as easily as it can outside of it.

Flame Trap; that doesn't answer the question, you could still perform jutsu without your hands if the jutsu was appropriately designed.

I'll run back over the rest and compare it with whats been brought up.

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Fire snap- It's a tiny tiny flame though XD I mean, yes, lots of uses, but basically none in combat, so It's sort of a non issue

Extinguish- Not meant at all for combat, Unless I'm on fire. xD

Flame Trap- Nope, Only ever going to use it with my hands.

Posts : 1044

Then specify everything stated above in the jutsu.

Excluding Flame Trap because your reply doesn't make sense. You can use jutsu without your hands, I can rattle off at least one on this application thats Canon, so the specification as to whether other jutsu can or can't be used with the technique is important enough to warrant an addition to the jutsu clarifying the point.

Posts : 1044

Doing everything in one large post seems to not work with you since you miss things, so lets do this one portion at a time and make sure its all taken of. Different strokes for different folks *shrug* Anyhow...

Quote :: Ten Ton Rusty Sword; and how does this ability actually work? You'd have to exert chakra to cause an effect like this because the blade doesn't have its own chakra pool because its not intelligent like Samehada, so everything comes out of your pool. How do you put chakra in it without being in contact, and how do you cause such effects to occur?

Quote :: Forger's Blade; if its an ability all clan members can access, why is it described as specifically relating to your character when you use pronouns?

So Assassins Blade targets an opponents arms when you strike? Without Eijutsu targeting a limb like that would require you to hit said limb with the blade, so you'll have to edit that in. Also, you failed to answer on the bare skin.

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

All has been fixed

Posts : 1044

Quick Fuse; I meant 50ft~ at max range.

Fire Touch; the size of the object isn't a good judge of how hard it is to be destroyed by fire, the rank of the object would be a much more appropriate judge for this type of effect and it should be edited to reflect that.

Previous Comments wrote:: Lightning Trick; D Rank.

Thunder Clap; Thunder belongs to a clan and is thus denied.

Static Shock; for a jutsu of this rank you'll need to physically touch the object in question. The justu description does not state this.

Lightning Tip; C Rank.

Electrical Enhancer; and what does the electricity actually do or cause?

Offensive Bolt; needs a distance limit between the two projectiles, otherwise you could throwing them both hundreds of feet apart and create a very large and very OP electrical wire to shock opponents.

Lightning Wire Shock; you say it can be done at a lesser rank and not inflict harm, that would make the jutsu variable rank between the non-harmful rank and the harm inflicting one.

Electric Wave; how large? How thick?

Body of Electric Flow; you obviously can't conduct a current through everything and the jutsu needs to reflect that, it also needs a distance limit assigned to it. I'll have to re-read it again later because as it is it sounds very OP and deny worthy.

Thunder Fang; make a note that you can't use the natural speed of a true lightning bolt because if you can this is denied, period. You need to specify how much damage is dealt per chakra amount put in, typcially measured by letter rank. Specifics, specifics.

Magnetic Hands; Denied, magnetism is KKG property.

Thunderbolt Strike; how large are the bolts, how far can they travel, how long do they paralyze?

Reverse Polarity; needs a more defined range and also needs a way to be dodged or stopped without being a Raiton user otherwise this is OP because its effectively an undodgable and indefensible attack since you have no manner of seeing the attack coming and no warning before it strikes.

False Darkness; needs a range.

Livewire Flash; what does the electricity do when it reaches its target?

I noticed the first few werent edited so I figured I'd just repost the whole shebang of Raiton tech notes.

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Thanks, I was skimming and couldnt find those. I'll fix tommorow

Age : 30 Posts : 1701

Fixed! =D

Age : 34 Posts : 1492

Approved unless specified otherwise by a full review.