[Rat Familiars]Nezumi Clan

Posts : 15

Clan Name: Nezumi-Clan (鼠- 族, Nezumi Ichizoku)
Location: Ta no Kuni
Clan Traits:
Appearance:
The Nezumi-Clan is a barely known, unimportant clan. Most you will ever remember about it, is the peoples plain look. With their standard, mostly black, long and straight hair, plus the dirty clothes... no, appearance over all. They look like a bunch of beggers, one might say. Although there are exceptions for haircolors, such as brown and even grey, it is usual for black hair to be passed down. Clansmen share the trait that their hair gets a additional color instead of turning white with age. Still, they are easily overlooked and forgotten, not being the kind of people you tell yourself to remember about.

They don't follow a certain dresscode, but look like everyone else, living in Ta-no-Kuni. Plain farmer clothes, almost screaming out 'We are poor and barely able to feed ourself' is what it seems to say. Besides the fact that it is a obvious trace of their poverty, it also represents how they live.

Rat Specialists
The key trait of the Nezumi clan is their possession of rat familiars, which they use as a life companionship. The relationship between a Nezumi and their rats is inseparable, their chakra are so aligned that they can be identified as one being.
A Nezumi recieves their two rats, one male and one female, around the late age of 12, where the bond is intially formed. Before getting their familiars, they watch after normal rats, learning how to treat them and such. Through the years as both the clansmen and their rats grow, so does their linkage. A Nezumis familiar is powerful and possess unique abilities separating them from regular rats. Because of the symbiotic share of chakra with their owners, Nezumi rats have a stronger sense of hearing and smell, even capable of smelling chakra. They can communicate with their owner through either verbal exchange or even telepathy with more powerful members.
It is common that a Nezumis rats die like any other rat, unlike other animal familiars they do not have a lenghtened lifespan, which is the reason for the familiars gender. When they get old, they will give birth to two new rats, which from then on will guide the Nezumi through his life. The newly born rats are said to be reincarnations of ones former familiars and have a special trait. Unlike their parents, these rats are in possesion of a special ability/ trait, which differs from rat to rat. The common traits and abilities are:
- extraordinary size
- get poisonous teeths/ claws (making all attacks poisonous)
- a physical enhancement
- elemental-chakra breath (equal to a D-ranked elemental Ninjutsu, range 2m, no chakra cost)
- ability to speak
- etc.

Code:: [b]Name:[/b] (Name of your Rats)
[b]Rank:[/b] (Your rats rank determines its age as well. When a Nezumi ranks up, his rats do as well. When a Nezumi becomes a Jounin, his familiars die and are to be replaced with two new ones. These new rats start at A-rank and have a special ability.)
[b]Type:[/b] Animal Familiar
[b]Appearance:[/b] (Describe your rats appearance)
[b]Personality:[/b] (Describe both rats personality)
[b]Special Abilities:[/b] (leave empty until rats reach A-Rank)

Kekkei Genkai: None

Clan Jutsu:

Code:: [b]Name:[/b] Hijutsu: Shitanuri | Special Technique: Chakra Coating
[b]Rank:[/b] D - A
[b]Type:[/b] Hijutsu | Ninjutsu
[b]Range:[/b] /
[b]Description:[/b]
This Jutsu enables rats to coat themself in their owners chakra and gain the natural affinity as special attribute, which are the following:
Fuuton: Increased speed and lightness (increased jump strenght and such)
Raiton: Coating oneself in electricity (causing numbness and stunning)
Doton: Increased skin thickness and weight (increased damage due to colliding and such)
Katon: Coating oneself in fire (causing burns and such)
Suiton: Coating oneself in water (greatly shapeable to make attacks more efficient)
At D-Rank the rats only manage to coat themself in non-elemental Chakra, which allows them to reduce damage, for example hinder a sword from swiftly cutting through them, although they still will deal damage of course and probably no longer be able to fight alongside the Clansmen. At C and B-rank the rats are able to coat themself in the elemental chakra and at A-Rank they are even able to unleash both of the Clansmen affinities, mixing its attributes together.
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 3 Cp (1CP) | 6 CP (2CP) | 12 Cp (3Cp) | 24 Cp (5Cp)

[b]Name:[/b] Hijutsu; Ikimono Kitsunetsuki | Special Technique: Animal Possession
[b]Rank:[/b] D
[b]Type:[/b] Hijutsu | Ninjutsu
[b]Range:[/b] /
[b]Description:[/b]
An old technique, used by the Nezumi-Clan. It allows them to shortly borrow space in his rats mind, allowing them to travel along inside the rat. Their bodies have to rest though and need to be protected from close dangers.
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 2 Cp (1 Cp)

[b]Name:[/b] Hijutsu: Kyojin Nezumi | Special Technique of the Giant Rat
[b]Rank:[/b] D - A
[b]Type:[/b] Hijutsu | Ninjutsu
[b]Range:[/b] /
[b]Description:[/b]
The user performs the needed handseals, then places his palm on his familiars back. The rat will experience a immediate growth spurt, depending on the amount of used Chakra, a rat may grow slightly or extremely, but in either cases it will grow beyong the norm of a normal rat:
D: A rat grows to the size of a football
C: A rat grows to the size of a big dog, reaching up to an adults waist.
B: A rat grows to the size of a horse.
A: A rat grows to the size of a elephant.
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 4 Cp (1Cp) | 7 Cp (2Cp) | 12 Cp (3Cp) | 22 Cp (6Cp)

[b]Name:[/b] Hijutsu: Ninmenjuushin | Special Technique: Human Transformation
[b]Rank:[/b] C
[b]Type:[/b] Hijutsu | Ninjutsu
[b]Range:[/b] /
[b]Description:[/b]
The user performs the needed handseals, then places his palm on his familiars back. The rats body will change, it will grow to the Clansmens size, its arms and legs extends and its back changes as well. At the end of the transformation, the rat resembles a human, at least it became somewhat humanoid. It can now fight like a human and even use weapons and tools. It will remain in this shape until it deals a critical hit or no more chakra is paid for the transformation to be uphold.
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b] 7 Cp (2Cp)

[b]Name:[/b] Hijutsu: Hamai | Special Technique: Disease
[b]Rank:[/b] C - A
[b]Type:[/b] Hijutsu | Kugutsu / Eijutsu
[b]Range:[/b] /
[b]Description:[/b]
The Nezumis rats start to 'leak', covering themselves in their excrements. Mixing those together with the Hantaviruses, Ectoparasites, etc., present everywhere on and in the animals body, all their attacks become poisonous. Immediate desinfection or eridication of the vermins are the easiest way to counteract the poison.
C-Rank: Wounds dealt by rats get infected after three posts and will cause a lot of pain. After dealing three hits, it will take two posts until a slight fever will hinder the enemy.
B-Rank: Wounds dealt by rats get heavily infected after two posts. The wound will start swelling and turn violet. It causes a whole lot of pain, and one will get feverish and have a headache after two posts.
A-Rank: The heavily swollen wounds dealt by rats causes limbs to go numb and useless. After two posts one will get very feverish, have headaches as well as muscular pain.
[b]Chakra Cost:[/b](C: 8 | B: 14 | A: 23) Cp -[2 Cp | 4 Cp | 6 Cp]

History:

The Nezumi Clan was nothin but a little village, consisting of farmers and the likes. Being residend in Ta no Kuni almost made clear that you were a rice farmer, and as such did they life.
Peace and harmony prevailed at first, but then the peace was brought down as two villages started a war against each other. The little village was caught up in it all and got completely wiped out. Afterwards nothing was like before. The village had to be built out of nothing, it were hard times... the soldiers had taken everything and even the animals had not enough for themself.

Times changed when Nezumi was born, the little boy was named 'rat' because of his deep connection to the little fellas, which were around him ever since he was born. As Nezumi grew up he taught other people how to life with the rats, and eventually things turned better. The Clan slowly managed to grow again.
Thanks to Nezumi and the rats it had been possible for the village to rise again. And even today, centuries after Nezumi, the people of this village still life together with the rats and enjoy life to the fullest.

Posts : 15

Age : 29 Posts : 1797

Please go here instead of bumping next time. Apologies for the wait though, I'll try to keep it short.

Now for the actual clan. Unfortunately, this clan won't be able to work in the way it's set up right now. I'll just cover the two basic issues I have.

First off; this clan is basically a mix of Inuzuka and Aburame's clan. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, however there's a very, very big difference between an insect and a mammal, namely the rat. First off, their general intelligence. A rat is MUCH smarter than the basic insect. They're not going to be easily manipulated. Second; insects work like a hive mind. They're all drones listening to one 'queen' so to speak. The queen in this case would be the one controlling the insects, since they feed the insects chakra to create a mutual bond. Almost like the insects have a need to serve their owner. Rats on the other hand do not have their relationship. Primary reason: they're smarter. They can work on their own, without the assistance of someone else. They're a very independent animal. Finally: if mammals could be controlled simply because they were less intelligent than their host, or because one feeds chakra to them; than we could have clans that allowed people to control dozens of hawks or packs of lions, which is severely over powered by all means. Now, this is all covered in the intelligence of the creature in general; which is the rat. By all means, it would not take orders from someone just because they gave them food, and rats definitely wouldn't swarm because a person fed them chakra; which leads to my next point:

The rats don't benefit from being given chakra. Your clan states that your clan members feed the rats, and give them chakra, so in return, they should support the clan. That doesn't really make sense. The Aburame bugs benefit from their host's chakra, because that's what they feed on. They literally NEED this chakra to survive, and thus, being fed chakra actually works. They're a special type of bug that survives on chakra, so the host and the bug have a mutual relationship. Rats however, do not need this chakra at all. It is completely unnecessary for them. What could they possibly do with a little extra energy? Nothing. While they may benefit from being fed, obviously, the chakra aspect is impossible and irrational. What this boils down to, is being an Inuzuka clan with rats. That's perfectly okay. Hell, you could even have multiple rat familiars (though, nowhere near the numbers specified), but you'd still have to give them orders like every other familiar clan. If you wish, you may have an Inuzuka type clan, that's centered around using a handful of mice that will listen to orders like a Ninja-dog, however dozens of rats being controlled telepathically using chakra, will definitely not be allowed for the above reasons.

On a side note: our plot line didn't have "great wars", at least, not according to the current plot. You may say "a war between country X and country Y", but saying something like "Great War" doesn't apply to the site. Thus, just a quick fix to the history would be ideal.

Posts : 15

Okay i understand anything.

- I will make the clan look more like the inazuma clan, hope it would be possible to get a max of 50 rats in total (0~0 maybe even more) :/ not sure if you will allow me though- would appreciate it if you would give me some certain number...

-- i would like to ask if a RAT CLONE- jutsu would be allowed which would like... allow the rats to clone themself, giving me a bigger army like this...
-- or would it be able to make a summoning contract with rats and kinda.. make them able to summon a whole bunch of rats instead of one big sized one or smth.... maybe a jutsu which makes one big rat multiple tiny ones... like Tsunades snail can-...

- To help figure how we 'control' the rats, in the history it says that both humans and animals suffered, the rats in this area were close to getting wiped out, but with the help of chakra they were able to overpower the other animals and increase their.-... 'status'. So thats why their kinda... companions now... (but i may figure a better way, like what you suggested...)

Oh and... edited, hope its good this way .-. dunno thou

Age : 29 Posts : 1797

Okay, your clan is basically a fusion of Aburame and Inuzuka, anyone will agree with that. The problem is, neither one of these clans uses their familiars in the way your clan is describing. For one: familiars are not ninja-animals. They are regular animals that follow orders. As such, your rats are NOT capable of remembering their near extinction. They are rats. If you killed off 2,000 rats, and left 4 alive. In one year, they wouldn't know that you saved them from this death. Why? Because they don't share histories like humans. They don't communicate on emotional levels. Their only goal is to eat. Unless you somehow made the enemy look like a brick of cheese, the rats will never listen to your characters. They are regular mice, not ninja mice. As such, the ONLY way your clan could work, would be if it was a summoning clan. But we don't allow summoning clans, and so you'd have to just create the summoning contract for yourself, and hope it, along with its jutsu and summons, would actually get approved. Unless you change your clan to be a familiar clan, where the members have say, 2 pet rats, and ONLY two pet rats, then you'd be fine. However, since your idea is to swarm the enemy, I don't believe that's a solution.

Posts : 15

edited, i hope.
I am not sure about the jutsus though .-.

Age : 29 Posts : 1797

(Apologies for the wait on a response, a fellow staff member is going to give a second opinion on this clan, since I feel I've grown a bit biased.)

Posts : 15

^^don't worry, i got a lot of rl stuff going on right now so you may as well make this clan your last priorised one ^^

would like to mention though, that i REALLY REALLY love you stuff guys up till now ^^ you are pretty fast and stuff ^^ keep up the good work, there should be more of your kind

Age : 34 Posts : 1209

Okay so I've been asked to weigh in on this clan. Frankly after reading it, I'm not quite sure what to say. This clan seems like a mash up of various abilities from different disciplines all centered around a theme of rats but, not all abilities actually have anything to really do with the rat familiars you are requesting. In fact it looks as though only one ability you listed actually deals with the familiar-player bond between the rats and the clan member. Honestly most of these abilities could be used without needing to apply for a clan.

It just seems to me that you really don't have a clear vision of what you are going for and are just simply making a clan for the sake of making a clan about rats. This could easily be done simply by your character developing rat based genjutsu and such and learning summonings for rat based summons. I don't understand the need to have a clan for this. If the intent is to have rat familiars then I would make the clan more centered around that idea and your clan's connection to the rats rather than genjutsu and puppetry and diseases...

I'm not denying this but I am saying that I'm having a hard time seeing the justification here. Would you care to enlighten me?

Posts : 15

xD sorry sorry, my fault here.
In fact i want rat familiars, which is the case i am making the clan, i thought that a clan using rat familiars would somehow center around using rats in their jutsus and such ^^ so since that isn't the case and i now got a clear picture of what is expected of me, i know how to edit properly ^^

please stay patient with me :3

Age : 34 Posts : 1209

Alright then just bump this thread or send me a PM when you made the edits and I'll look over it again.

Posts : 15

okay edited, would have pmed you, but i can't since i haven't reached the needed post count

i have found my mistake to be the comparison of my clan and the aburame clan xD i have edited it a bit by comparing it to the Inuzuka clan instead now

for the jutsus... i still am not all to sure about them, even more because i couldn't find something i could compare my jutsus with, since the inuzukas clan super special clan jutsus aren't all that special either....

Age : 34 Posts : 1209

Alright I read through your edits and there are a few things to address. First of all you kind of blatantly ripped off the Inuzuka clan's description, making a few edits here and there. I'm not exactly sure if that's allowed and I'll need to get back to you on that. I understand as to why you did it but I still don't know site policy of members using descriptions of other clans and trying to pass it off as their own work. Anyway...

The first issue I have is with the list of possible special characteristics the rats can acquire. First of all, it doesn't seem to make sense why the parents wouldn't have special characteristics when their children magically seem to acquire them. That being said, one of the characteristics gives them an extra 20 CP. You have to understand that familiars share your chakra supply as your two supplies are merged. So if your familiar does something, it detracts from your chakra supply and vice versa, so I can't allow your rats to randomly get 20 CP like that, so please remove that.
I don't understand what you mean by "Immunity to XXX". Could you please clarify?
I don't understand what you mean by your rats having the ability to perform E-D rank jutsu on their own. Please clarify for me.
You realize that even though you list all these characteristics (along with an "etc.") that you will need to apply for your rats on an individual (or paired) basis in the creatures section when it comes time to receive a new set of rats, right?
On your chakra coating ability, there needs to be an upkeep cost. I'm not sure if that second number you listed next to each ranked chakra cost is supposed to represent that. If so, please make it a bit more clear.
For all your clan's jutsu you have placed the "type" as behing Hiijutsu. Hiijutsu is not a type of jutsu, rather it is a descriptive term that states it's clan specific and thus can't be learned by anyone outside of your clan without you spending a good deal of time teaching them. You need to classify it as either ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu, weaponry, medical, fuuinjutsu, puppetry as these are the disciplines recognized on the site.
Your disease jutsu needs to be classified as medical. I know it's coming from rats and everything but only medics can deal with diseases such as viruses and stuff. Puppetry and medical can deal with poisons. If one does not have these disciplines they cannot have a jutsu that creates poison nor create poisons for their profile.

Make these changes and I'll relook over your app.

Posts : 15

so edited most of what you said:

Reason why new rats 'magicaly' gain special effect unlike their parents:

- The rats which are given to a Nezumi as he turns 12 are normal rats, which is why they die after a normal amount of time and such, since they are, unlike a Inuzukas dog, not under the users chakra influence for a long time.

so now that they have been filled with the users chakra for years, their own chakra centre has been manipulated and as they give birth to their kids, those share that feature (like asians give birth to asians, these [now]chakra rats give birth to chakra rats, no normal ones. And besides... these are weapons, weapons should become stronger after some time...). Now, when the Nezumi mixes his own chakra with the chakra off the rats, their chakras mix up and cause something special to happen inside the rat = special ability

- immunity XXX = immunity to (examples: certain kind of poison | Stun through electricity [if possesing raiton chakra] | etc. this can be all kind of stuff as long as it is reasonable)

- for the extra amount of chakra:
you said rats and nezumi share their chakra, exactly because of that i made this as example ability. Rats with the special ability to have additional chakra, posses more chakra than usual animals/ rats, which is why the Nezumi clansmen can take it from them and use... therefore possesing more chakra than usually

if this won't be possible i will edit it..

- rats performing jutsus on their own:
i thought of something like, the rats gaining human features, standing on two legs and such, and like that even be able to make handseals. Summon animals can do such stuff, maybe normal animals could do as well if genmanipulated through chakra
if thiswon't work either tell me, i will edit

as you can see these new rats are kinda mutated ones ^^
and yes i know the new rats have to be created in creation area, i even demand they are so that there is no OPness or smth.

Age : 34 Posts : 1209

The problem I have is that these rats are connected to you. So they shouldn't be having abilities that you don't have. They shouldn't be having extra chakra that you can take from them. You two share chakra (Your chakra). Anytime the rats need to perform jutsu, it's your supply they draw on, not some extra supply. I can't give you 20 CP without you taking the extra supply SC. Just like I can't give your rats immunity to poison. I can allow them to perform jutsu you know, if it is within their capability. I can allow them to perform combined jutsu with you. I can allow them to be bigger and I can allow them to speak. But you need to understand they are extensions of you on this site and so they can't have abilities you don't have (other than normal rat like abilities).

You also still have Hiijutsu as the only thing listed for your transformation jutsu.

Bump again when you make the edits please.

Posts : 15

edited

Age : 34 Posts : 1209

Alright, so now you made all the edits yet I notice that you added in that now your rats have poisonous fangs and claws. Here's the thing. You can't utilize poison like that unless you have the medical or puppetry specialization on the character. Even then, you'd need to detail the poison's effect in a poison template.

I'm going to be honest with you. This is becoming rather complicated. You are trying so hard to stuff a ton of ideas into one clan that is simply supposed to be a familiar based clan that you are basing heavily off of Inuzuka clan. In fact you even ripped off the Inuzuka clan desciption, like word for word which I've just been informed is not something we can allow. You need to retype your whole clan description in your own words and make it original.

The other issue someone has informed me of is your disease jutsu. Despite what I had said, it is not considered puppetry, but rather a completely medical jutsu seeing as it has nothing to do with puppets and once again, you can't merely state it has "such and such". You can say your rats start to excrete the poison but you need to create the poison via poison template.

Like I said, this is just becoming overly complicated and is preventing you from RPing. Wouldn't it be much simpler for you to just be an Inuzuka? This clan already pretty much copies them almost point for point except for you trying to shoe horn poison into your rats.

Posts : 15

Actually I feel offended and due to the sites lack of activity, or at least less activity than I would like to have, I'll just leave. Thanks for your hard work, trying to help me, but in fact this is just way to complicated for me to bear with..

Age : 34 Posts : 1209

Sorry you feel that way. I'll just go ahead and archive this then.

Archived