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Leighton
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Kimura, Miu, The Hand of Retribution.
THE INFO.
Name: Kimura, Miu
Nickname: The Hand of Retribution
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Appearance: - Spoiler:
The Hand of Retribution is a rough individual. No longer does her image appeal to her once soft personality, no longer decadent and sweeted. Her once white hair has been cut from the picture, and repainted was long, spkiey black hair. Half of the bang hanging from her face is white. This hair would represent her hardened skin and perservered attitude. The slanted, emerald green eyes only burned brighter with a passion, ever persistant to inform her foes she had nothing to lose. Her left eye is somewhat special, branded with a scar going across her eye vertically, extending minimally below and above the eye. Her lips a pale, yet dark red, perhaps that maybe it was something of a pinkish-purple to some. Her left ear is pierced with several black, square studs lining vertically along her ear.
She wears a sleeveless mesh top, perhaps either a black or grey color. It usually extends to her waist. On the side of her abdomen where the mesh top is ripped is a japanese kanji, 死, meaning death. On her right arm, she wears a long, red sleeve, something that traditional Iwagakure shinobi may wear. Her hand is bandaged, and if the sleeve was removed, it would reveal that her entire hand is bandaged, perhaps up to her shoulder. It appears that her neck is also bandaged, though, for reason much unknown; sometimes the bandage is raised and serves as a mask. Near her left hand, her wrist has several japanese kanji forming a sort of circle around it. These are; 損失(loss), 判決(judgement), 報復(retribution), 隷属(servitude), and 人生(life). Above these the rest of her arm is bandaged. Over her mesh top she wears a waist-length, red, sleeveless jacket with a hood. She has navy blue shinobi sandals, and covering part of footwear and up to her knees is a white cloth. She wears typical shinobi pants, colored navy blue. Around her waist, she wears a large cloth that acts as a skirt, opening up on the right and hanging lower on the left, colored red. Her white clothed, Konohagakure forehead protector serves as the belt to that cloth, actually being sewn into it. That is Miu's new attire as the Hand of Retribution.
When Miu does not partake in serving the Hokage's best interests, ie, simply hanging around the village, she wears a regular outfit consisting of a red mesh armour blouse with only the right sleeve visible. Over this is very broad material which resembles bandages with a pattern on it similar to those of rose thorns. Her hands and upper thighs are also wrapped in bandages and she wears the Konoha forehead protector and regular shinobi sandals.
Forehead Protector: The white clothed, Konohagakure Forehead Protector is attached to a much large red cloth that serves as a skirt. In turn, Miu's forehead pritector serves to hold the skirt in place, as it is like a belt. However, when not serving the interest of Konoha, it can be found in it's predicted spot around her forehead.
Personality: - Spoiler:
Miu is no longer the decadent or tortured soul she once was. She remains quiet and elusive in debates and discussions, only speaking when she must and when it is completely nessecary. Her words are selected carefully, and depend on her situations. She would not speak lightly if she tried to convince someone to do something, or speak rudely to the Hokage. She treats those around her with the utmost respect, even foes. She isn't above being arrogant about her or anyone's skills as long as they are from Konoha. She boasts that Konoha will find their peace and achieve their goals. She is somewhat cynical however, and it is unknowing how one copes with such.
Miu also understands her place in Konohagakure under the Hokage and in his team. She serves as the medic and sealing expert, and takes these roles very seriously. However, given the chance, she would eagerly accept any mission that involved her acting out the Hokage's personal assassination requests. This is mostly in due part, her cynical nature that longs to serve in any way possible. She herself copes with these, without too much trouble. She remains quite happy and content if she was to handle something like this.
Her arrogance is a minimal problem for her, at least. Arrogance in her abilities and others only comes from when she is pressuring on the verge of victory. She does not cloud her vision with arrogance and pride, unless she has something to pride herself upon. She does give her foes respect where it is deserved, and is not above praising them for possess high intellect or thinking one step ahead of someone. Overall, Miu remains quite serious.
Miu does have a rather friendly side, something she likes to keep only for her teammates. Her village has no use for it. It is something of a "big sister" attitude. With great care and concern towards them, and very brave. She would not hesitate to jump in front of them and take a dangerous hit. Towards them, she in unyielding, honest and simple, thus, her squad is perhaps her biggest weakness.
Clan: -
Nindō: "Fear one who has nothing to lose...."
THE NINJA.
Origin: Konohagakure no Sato, The Fire Country
Affiliation: Konohagakure no Sato, The Hokage
Rank: Genin
Specialties: Fuuinjutsu and Eijutsu
Elemental Affinities: Doton and Suiton
Combat Style: To put it straight out there, Miu is never one to favour combat against those who use Ninjutsu. Her arsenal is very limited in it's usage. but also unforeseen. She must remain unpredictable whilst in combat and rely on her teammates to deal out a majority of the damage. She is much like a support-type character. If she must be engaged within hand-to-hand combat she typically wields a kunai to amplify her damage output. Despite her limitations, she is not above being crafty and clever. She isn't afraid to utilise any poisons she may have on hand and, often isn't afraid to recieve a hit.
Special Characteristics: - Spoiler:
Name: Evasiveness
Rank: C
Type: Physical
Physical Requirements: None.
Training Requirements: A 600 word training post is required to gain this special characteristic.
Description: The ninja trains their ability in more advanced evasive maneuvers which serves the purpose of avoiding enemy attacks. The survivability of the ninja increases as they are now capable of executing quicker flips and dodging basic forms of physical attacks by reading an enemies movement.
Name: Advanced Chakra Control.
Rank: D-S.
Type: Chakra Based.
Physical Requirements: Must specialize in Medical Ninjutsu or Genjutsu, and must not have an Increased Chakra Capacity or Bijuu.
Training Requirements: 700.
Description: An exceptional attribution that one is innately born with and further invokes during the course of their training. Chakra Control is key to preserving your stamina which will increase your vitality and enable you to use techniques to it's fullest capacity. It is essential for nearly all specialties of Ninjutsu but is heavily coveted in the areas of Medical Ninjutsu and Genjutsu which require good chakra in order to perform their techniques proficiently. Those with Advanced Chakra Control however are able to take it to the next step and preserve more noticeable chakra from their standard pool. Depending on the rank of the technique, a small quantity of chakra is preserved within the body when executed the Jutsu, which ultimately lowers the cost of your techniques. Furthermore because your Chakra Control is so flawless and exceptional, your Surface Walking and Water Walking techniques no longer cost chakra because you can now perform them effortlessly. This technique does not lower the cost chakra points going towards maintaining a jutsu, only creating them.
D - 1 cp reduced.
C - 2 cp reduced.
B - 4 cp reduced.
A - 8 cp reduced.
S - 12 cp reduced.
Name: Improved Perception
Rank: C
Type: Mental Based
Physical Requirements: N/A
Training Requirements: A 600 word training post is required to gain this special characteristic.
Description: The ninja trains their skill in perception and analyzing their environment to more distinct levels. Every physical motion is identified to the ninja whether its a movement in a leaf or change in temperature. This skill is handy when faced with genjutsu as it makes the user capable in identifying an illusion of C-Rank or lower. However although they can sense the genjutsu they must rely on other methods of breaking the spell.
THE BACKGROUND.
History: - Spoiler:
She was born as Kimura, Miu. A child who had little interests in life, all due to the factor that she was a baby. Young and quite immature with little perception of the reality around her. Clueless about the engorging effect the world had. Engulfed in the flames where everyone was important because that was their belief. She, Ms. Kimura, could never think of such a thing at that age. Exception might exist, but between greed, pride and lust, life was all too cruel. To a finer degree, like a dagger delved far into the flesh. It's just not a scar when she thinks back about it. But it's been lost in the lands for ages. her thought were such. too many knives, something that won't heal.
She could remember growing up as a young girl. Splendid years of course. She always enjoyed other people. They'd put on jolly good shows. Between their turmoil, strife, discord, and forgetfulness of course. The young lady could find a pleasent good laugh in such a situation. A mature lady, couldn't find sanctuary inside such unsettled matters. She found the open world was so fatal. She was so eager to tip her hat and smile, to meet new people. to try and do new things. Learn about her surroundings. Her parent's always encouraged kindness. Tolerance and love. Powerful forces Miu would long claim as deceased. But at this age, nothing was dead. Not the skeletal remains of her tortoise Dupe. She thought he was a great tortoise.
She could remember what she learned from the late tortoise. It's always what's inside that's important. This is when she adopted the Gothic Lolita style of clothing and personality. She never judged people at that age, because she was quite blind from the shadows. She had the security of her parents, family and friends. Fear could never find her. She did find it under the moonlight while alone. The darkness laughed at her, taunting her, undaunted by her. When one finally realises it isn't a monster, but an ignorant and rude older brother.
She alwas thought to deal with him later, never doing that. She also learned her second lesson, that time is everchanging. of course, after she 'accidently' spilled out tea onto his crotch, her revenge was exacted. She would pay close attention to the changing sky. Even the night sky. She watched the heavenly stars dance with the moon. She often considered drawing it's form, free and elegant. Wrapped in the black stain sky. She lacked patience back then and settled for staring in awe.
There was the day when she came of age to become a student at the academy. She felt honoured. she supposed it was only natural. her parents told her to perceive what she was good at. Today, she wanted them to get off whatever substance they abused. Right then, she was inspired to try ever kind of jutsu possible. Of course, with what short attention span she had, she was chasing a magnificent butterfy within a few short seconds. Miu turned after it landed on her hand to see her father's face covered in dripping mud. She rememberes that she laughed at him. Because it wasn't mud that he had on his face. Nor was it chocolate.
She believed, that the academy really shaped her view on the world. In what ideal world do people send their children to fight with others? In all honesty, as she thinks back upon these things, she finds that she really didn't like it. Human ideals were such a bore. she always found that she liked Fuuinjutsu. The art of sealing. It wasn't the easiest, but such a feat usually had it's advantages. Some seals she heard of were quite powerful. Then again, anything powerful would kill her now, wouldn't it? Hahaha.
As she found herself aging, she also discovered a lust towards helping others. Yes, a lust. She wasn't walking around pleasuring others with her body. No, She's not that fickle or easy. She likes her men older. Perhaps a little immoral as well. Anyway, back on topic. Eijutsu. She began to set sights and lock on. She wanted to help others instead of harm, so she figured why not give it a try. Miu guessed she was good at it if she still uses it today. People didn't laugh at her. Oh no, they were busy trying to figure out why she was always praising them. (Actually, it was sarcasm. They just think like a genius would.) She hated them in all honestly. But she stayed around.
Thing really got strange around her last year of the academy. She had discovered the strangest thing; someone had a crush on her. Actually, two boys. They were both weirder than she was. She had heard from the few people who actually understood her and liked Miu that, they were friends until they both 'proclaimed' their love for her. Yuck. Like She wanted to be the problem they weren't friends anymore. So Miu told them what any girl would tell someone she doesn't like. They were pretty angry, but Miu hoped they'd get over it. Anyway, She did graduate. Not with flying colors of course. She didn't want to be treated special.
As a genin, life was terrible. She remembered her squad. Bunch of idiots. Miu would always get left behind. At least her sensei always came back for her. If it wasn't for him, Miu might've just quite the squad right off the bat. Of course she did have an important role. As the team's medic, Miu didn't have to fight that much, and when she did it was usually just to support everyone. Even her sensei understood how valuable Miu was to the squad's well-being. Miu was so just, whatever. She didn't really care. They were annoying and they died on a mission, so what? She'd glad she got away. Miu will detail her version here in these following pages.
~ I was really alone. For once, my defenseless, innocent self. Haha. I wasn't defenseless at all. I had some ninjutsu sealed into a small scroll my squadmates and sensei helped me prepare. As the enemy ninja dashed towards me, I smirked. A streak of metal shot from the trees and bushes as my foes faltered and collasped. I could see the kunai wound that drove deep into the flesh. It was a pleasent sight. At least I was still living. That was the pleasent part. Seeing as my teammates were nearby, I started for the designated area only to stare in complete horror upon the site of my incapacitated sensei.
I was lost as I slid to the ground beside him. He looked so peaceful as he spoke. I'll never forget the words he told me. To kill my teammates. Live, grow and thrive as a survivor of the truth. Never allow yourself to be outdone. Always have an ace up your sleeve. I hugged him and whispered sweet nothings into his ear, until I couldn't feel his heart's beat. I knew my love for him was immoral, but I wanted him to smile even beyond death. And so I looked oonward into the vast, empty forest. I had two traitors to find and kill. I'd start with the idiot, unless I came across the intelligent one first.
My luck wasn't the best. At least he found himself incapacitated by a girl. ~ I tied him up. I won't dare explain to you how I captured him. It's really my business how I managed to succeed with such low odds. Anyways, I sent out a signal, that was sure to bring the other back. I sent out a ninjutsu used by my friend beside me and hide. I waited, and waited. I probably waited some more. Then he emerged and ran towarsd the tree, getting caught in a rope trap. I emerged with a kunai drawn. My only words could be, no mercy. But I said nothing. I merely mocked them with a sarcastic laugh and said that they would live. I guess they learned the really hard way. ~
And now here she was. 3 years after that event. Miu had just emerged from hiding to find that the world was still drab. Failure to entertain her, Miu set out. To find people who were like her. Misunderstood and lost. After all, Miu couldn't fight well on my own. She would require help. Miu would spend however much time as she would need to find the right person. And she would thrive, grow stronger and become beautiful, like her sensei taught her.
Later, Miu would find herself descending slowly into madness. She was redeemed mentally when she met a strange man who seemed to understand her. This changed her and she decided to return to Konoha to face judgement and seek reparation with them. Her morals adjusted, Miu vowed to serve the Hokage, entrusting with that, every generation of Miu's family would serve every generation of Hokage until they died. Little did she know that it would later give birth to the Kimura Clan, but that would be a tale she would never see. It would take several generations to see this clan bloom.
With returning to Konoha, Miu had on thing to do; serve the Hokage as the Hand of Retribution until her death. She had a meeting with recently elected Hokage Mitsu Ridori. The outcome was that Miu would serve Konoha under a watchful eye and live in the residence they provided for her.
Roleplay Sample: - Spoiler:
She still hadn't found her destination. She was slightly bitter towards he who directed her down the path. She sighed as she seeked refuge under a tree. She found it crisp in the shade of the magnificent beauty that loomed over her. She could hear the birds chirp, the bees buzz. The little animals scamper about collecting fruit and nuts. The wind that rustled the gold, amber and blood leaves down from their branches. It washed over a sense of security once more. She noted that the season wasted no time in preparing nature for the next.
She rebuttoned her jacket, feeling the cold seep onto her skin. Chills creeped and stalked up her body, giving her a frozen feel of the world around her. She noticed that see was perplexed with the world that lay within the walls of this sanctuary. "The small creatures of the forest move on without a care that I am here. It is such a wonderful site to behold.", she spoke to herself. She was no longer seated, as she walked alone on the path that played a natural tune. She didn't hear anything other than the music before her. She found herself soothed.
She stopped. Ahead of her, with a white shirt on, was the young man from before. He was impishly grinning at Miu, and she remained calm. Tipping her head foward and smiling, she spoke to him. "Greetings once more. What brings you out here?", she asked the man. He looked at her, with a fierce and powerful lust deep within. She raised her left hand to cover her mouth. "You wouldn't dare try such a thing you filthy improper man. You take yourself and leave immediantly.", she spoke, quite offended as he began his approch to her.
When he finally spoke up, she was still angry. "I don't wanna do that to ya miss. I ain't that filthy now. My mamma raised me right.", he said, and she was flustered with embarrassment. He continued to speak. "My mamma seen us and wanted me to make sure you get to the village. After all, there are some bad people living around.", he commented to her with a smile. His intentions seemed true, but Miu didn't trust him. She decided to remove him from her problem.
She closed the gap between them and set her parasol on the ground as it began a downpour. She let her purse fall to the dampened ground as she ran a hand through his hair, down behind his back to remove his shirt. She could see that he wanted her, not to help her in the slightest. She kept the disgusting thought of simply giving herself up away, and continued with her deed. She tossed his shirt to the ground and smiled cynically at his exposed and certainly wet chest. It was bare with hair near the base, and she ran her fingers along the rough, edges and bumps.
He stood there and let her manipulate. Whether is was empathy or love, Miu felt bad that she was only going to kill him. After all, she longed for someone who would love who. Could love her. As she ran her hands under his pants, finding the right object to pull and tug upon. It sent his pleasure into the sky. Miu, on the other hand, lowered his pants and wasn't the least surprised he didn't have any undergarmets. She managed to slink her grip to his back, playfully rubbing him from behind.
She then reached for the kunai she savoured for the moment, lifting it up his back gently. As she let it reach his neck, she swiftly moved and held it over his neck. "I do no particularly care for filthy pigs such as yourself. Consider this my only honest gift to you.", she said as she tightened her grip on the kunai, ready to cut. "Douchebag!", she shouted as his body went limp upon the ground. She smiled sweetly as she used his soaked shirt to clean her weapon.
It was too late for her hair and make-up. It was running from the rain and her hair clung strictly to her head. It would make all the more for a convincing sob story that self defence was all nessecary to defend herself from that vile and horrid man. She delighted slightly in the thought, until her cynical and erratic side subsided. "Oh, it appears that when I get to an inn or something of sorts, I'll have to iron my clothing.", she stated coldly as she retrieved her parasol and purse, smiling and tilting her head in a good-bye to the corpse.
THE ARSENAL.
Fuuinjutsu
- Spoiler:
Name: Gofuu Kekkai - Five Seal Barrier
Rank: C
Type: Fuuinjutsu
Range: Close (0m - 5m), Mid (5m - 10m), Far (10+)
Element: N/A
Description: The five "kin" (prohibition) seals act together to form a barrier. To remove the barrier, all five tags must be removed at the same moment. They don't all have to be lumped together; being able to be at least a good hundred meters apart
Chakra Cost: 8
Name: Shikoku Fuuin - Finger Engraving Seal
Rank: C
Type: Fuuinjutsu
Range: Close (0m - 5m)
Element: N/A
Description: The user concentrates chakra into their finger and using the heat from that can apply writing on whatever they want. This allows them to write on the skin of animals, iron plates, or a wide range of things. Must be delicate with chakra control when using this technique. If used on flesh; will scar.
Chakra Cost: 6 (2 per post)
Eijutsu
- Spoiler:
Name: Shousen no Jutsu - Mystical Hand Technique
Rank: C-A
Type: Medical Ninjutsu
Range: Close (0m - 5m)
Element: N/A
Description: Shousen Jutsu is a Ninjutsu technique utilized by medical ninja. This technique allows the ninja to heal wounds by focusing their own chakra to their hands. If the higher the medical ninja's rank is the quicker they are able to heal more critical and serious injuries. Injuries of equal rank may be healed in 1 post, and completely restored in 2. If choosing to heal a wound higher than the rank of the Shousen used, it requires 2 extra post per rank. Thus C-rank Shousen healing an A-rank wound would require 5 posts to fully heal, while a B-rank wound would require 3 posts for instance. If healing a lower-ranked wound with a higher-ranked Shousen, the wound is fully healed in one post as opposed to two.
Chakra Cost: C: 8CP (2 per post), B: 12CP (4 per post), A: 20CP (6 per post)
Academy Jutsu
- Spoiler:
Name: Bunshin no Jutsu • Clone Technique
Rank: E
Type: Genjutsu
Range: N/A
Medium: Optical
Element: N/A
Description: This technique creates identical clones of the user. However, they hold no actual substance and will disperse upon impact of an attack or contact with an opponent. They cannot disrupt the area around themselves with their movements; won’t kick up dust, crush grass, etc. They are simply optical illusions used to momentarily fool others.
Chakra Cost: 1CP per 5 clones
Name: Henge no Jutsu • Transformation Technique
Rank: E
Type: Ninjutsu
Range: N/A
Element: N/A
Description: This technique transforms the user’s appearance to that of another object or person. However, it is not a permanent transformation and a mental image of what they are transformed into. Certain aspects of a ninja will not change merely by transformation, these things may include injuries, tool pocket placements etc. The jutsu will dispel should the user be injured. The user does not gain the properties of their transformation (ie. horse like strength), and may only transform into something ranging between 1/2 of their regular size, to 2x their regular size. Thus one cannot transform into large creatures.
Chakra Cost: 1
Name: Kawarimi no Jutsu • Body Replacement Technique
Rank: E
Type: Ninjutsu
Range: 10 meters
Element: N/A
Description: After performing a tiger seal, this technique allows the user to alter places in a speedy manner with another nearby object. This is done mere seconds before an attack lands, thus making the attacker believe his or her attack was a success. Whatever object was used to alter places will receive the brunt of the enemy’s attack instead. The object that the user switches with must be preset somewhere else in the thread, meaning that the object must have received specific mention previously in the thread.
Chakra Cost: 2
Name: Explosive Tag: Activate
Rank: E
Type: Fuuinjutsu
Range: N/A
Element: N/A
Description: This technique allows the user to activate an explosive tag they have planted somewhere. Preferably they should be within close to mid range and visible to the user. You cannot activate another persons explosive tags unless your chakra has been channeled into them beforehand.
Chakra Cost: 1
Name: Kai • Release
Rank: D
Type: Ninjutsu
Range: Close (0m - 5m)
Element: N/A
Description: By stopping the flow of chakra in their body, and then applying an even stronger power to disrupt the flow of the caster's chakra; the user may dispel the effects of a genjutsu. This can also be used on another individual that is stuck in a genjutsu by preforming the necessary hand seal and then touching them, although it consumes half the chakra cost of the Genjutsu.
Chakra Cost: Cost of Genjutsu + 2CP
Name: Nawanuke no Jutsu • Escaping Skill
Rank: E
Type: Ninjutsu
Range: N/A
Element: N/A
Description: This technique allows the user to free themselves should they be tied up. It is extremely basic. Using their physical training, the user will twist and contort their body to loosen their bindings, effectively relieving themselves of the tightness of their bindings and slipping through the restraints. This technique can only be used if the user is of equal or higher rank than their captor.
Chakra Cost: 1
Name: Chozou no Jutsu • Storage Technique
Rank: E
Type: Fuuinjutsu, Supplementary
Range: Close (0m - 5m)
Element: N/A
Description: A simple jutsu that allows a ninja to seal or unseal any item, mostly weapons, from scrolls or from their body. After forming the necessary handsigns, the ninja will seal the item into a scroll etc. Scrolls can also be used as ammunition for other weapons or have other seals inside of them, which expands the number of potential tricks a shinobi can use. The items themselves are unaffected by time. Ninjutsu can also be stored in scrolls, to be released when the scroll is opened, but require another person to cast said Ninjutsu; else it cannot be sealed.
Chakra Cost: 1 to seal; 1 to unseal.
Name: Suimen Hokou no Waza • Act of Water Surface Walking
Rank: D
Type: N/A
Range: N/A
Element: NA
Description: This technique allows the user to balance themselves on water by focusing a constant and steady stream of chakra to the user’s feet or hands. Because of water’s nature, this requires the user to be quick to adjust the amount of chakra they must emit to their feet in order to maintain a constant balance. Users may also walk, run and “skate” across the water when using this technique.
Chakra Cost: 1 (1 per post)
Name: Kinobori no Waza • Act of Tree Climbing
Rank: D
Type: N/A
Range: N/A
Element: N/A
Description: This technique allows the user to balance themselves on trees and vertical walls by focusing a constant and steady stream of chakra to the user’s feet. Gravity can easy be defined if this technique is mastered, allowing people to even stand upside down. If too much chakra is exerted the user will be pushed away; bark breaking and causing the user to then fall. If not enough chakra is exerted the user will lose their footing and fall.
Chakra Cost: 1 (1 per post)
Items and Weapons
- Spoiler:
Name: Genin Kit
Rank: C
Quantity: 1
Contents: 6 Kunai [6], 10 Shuriken [5], 9 Senbon [3], 10 Makibishi [2], 4 Exploding Notes [4], 3 Exploding Pouches [1], 3 Smoke Pellets [1], 12m String [4], 1 Windmill Shuriken [5], 1 File & Scissor [1].
FACE CLAIM.
Character Claim: N/a
Source: N/a
Image URL: N/a
Last edited by Aquarius on Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:28 pm; edited 14 times in total |
|  | | Kite
Age : 34
Posts : 1209
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Mon 18 Jun 2012, 10:44 pm | |
| So then, where to begin, where to begin...I guess we can start with the very basics.
-You didn't specify your rank. "Nukenin" is not a rank, it is a classification of what type of ninja you are. It is like a konoha shinobi putting down "Konoha-nin". You need to put a letter rank as a Nukenin. So unless you have been cleared for a rank higher than C rank you will need to put "C Rank Nukenin".
-You list your origin as Konohagakure no Sato. Origin is the location of your birth, meaning the country your ninja was born within. If you were born in Konoha then you need to put down the Fire Country as your birth place.
-I couldn't help but notice you haven't selected any elements. While it is possible to start with no elemental masteries it is highly recommended that you pick two at creation. While you do not use Ninjutsu at this point, at higher ranks you will be allowed to, if you so choose, to choose from a limited pool of jutsu. Having an element in this case would be beneficial to you but not exactly necessary.
Now for the harder stuff!
First of all, I'd really like to see a bit more work put into her appearance. This isn't to say that you didn't do a decent job but it feels rushed and you were kind of brief in your description of your character; taking most of the paragraph to describe her cloths. I would like to know about your character's face. So far she seems to only have big eyes. Does she have a big mouth? A pointy nose? Does she have lines under her big eyes? Smile lines? Scars? Also as for her clothing, does she have any other accessories besides her hat? Try to see if you can get another paragraph in there.
Next, I would like you to really look over this application again for grammar issues. I managed to find 10 grammar issues ranging from simple spelling mistakes, to pronoun misuse (your character is a girl but you use the word "his" in your personality"), to words being scrambled in a way that reads awkwardly, to you switching randomly from third person to first person in the same paragraph, and from first person to third person within another paragraph.
Next let's deal with your arsenal. It would be very helpful if you could arrange your jutsu by categories. Having your academy jutsu under one section (preferably with a spoiler tag so it can be expanded and condensed) would help significantly. This goes with any other jutsu you have. So separate your fuuinjutsu from your medical jutsu, again by the use of spoiler tags so they can be easily collapsed and expanded.
Also, regarding your arsenal, you can have up to 15 jutsu in your arsenal. These 15 jutsu do not include the academy jutsu that all C rank ninja start with. From what I can see you only have 4 jutsu currently selected, meaning you have 11 slots left. It is highly recommended you fill these due to the fact that after this point you will need to accumulate and spend EXP to acquire more jutsu.
Finally just a personal recommendation,
While I realize you are going for a particular style in your history, the fact remains that it is rather convoluted and hard to read, being littered with a bunch of seemingly unnecessary sentences here and there. I don't know if this is to imply that your character is a bit erratic or if you were trying to be humorous. You don't need to change your history, aside from checking it for grammar errors, but as it stands now I personally found it difficult to read with all the unnecessary tidbits thrown in. I also find it odd that from her history it does seem that she has developed a bit of a cynical nature but in her personality there is no mention of her being erratic (other than the mention that she hates stability) nor being cynical. This could just be me failing to grasp some sort of humor in your writing but I just felt it needed to be pointed out.
Fix these things and I'll be happy to look at it again. Thanks.
-Kite
EDIT:
Also, I forgot to mention about your items. As a genin you are kinda required to take the genin kit listed here . You are welcome to try and ask an admin for permission to carry something other than this but I'd recommend carrying the kit as then you have access to kunai and other weapons. Currently you'd be walking around with no projectiles if you went with your current loadout.
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| | | | Leighton
Age : 29
Posts : 766
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 4:34 am | |
| I'm sorry about these errors, but I haven't done this in a very long time. So please do try and comprehend the idea of doing this during an exam week as I really wanted to get this down. And honestly, the personality she is given is an adaptation of one that would mirror my own. So that when I write, it really isn't a mirror of how I'd think, but supposedly quite similar. If I come off as a cynical person, then I guess I'll have to edit that into her personality.
As for the appearance, I'll work on it when I can. As I am quite inexperienced in the art of describing people I find I'd rather be vague, (the same goes for my personality and history), because it lessens the concern I have to place onto it.
As for the jutsu, there's nothing else I can fill in without making custom Fuuinjutsu or Medical Ninjutsu, or requesting people who have made previous customs if I may perhaps use them.
I have no way in an option to use Ninjutsu. It's not something I'd consider using with this setup. And I say sorry again, as I couldn't remember if it was D or C for my rank. And the whole Origin thing was a mistake.
And just a personal note about my writing, I'm going to write like I did in my history. I had much excitement in it's creation. Anyway, when I get the chance I'll start revising and editting.
EDIT: Should I remove the other equipment I put there, or leave it? And with the history, I think I was aiming for narrative. Not sure if that provides any help in understanding my writing but, oh well. I feel like I wwas being rude while tping this. I'm so sorry if I was! |
| | | | Kite
Age : 34
Posts : 1209
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 5:50 am | |
| -Don't worry about sounding rude, you didn't. I can sympathize with you being in exams and I only ask that you look this over again, maybe copy paste it into a word program and run a spell check over it. Most of the mistakes were simple spelling mistakes.
-I would ask that you read through it slowly though once or twice. If you do I'm sure you'll notice silly grammatical errors like the pronoun misuse.
-Currently as a C rank you will not be using Ninjutsu but as you get to higher ranks Ninjutsu does become available to you, albeit the power of such techniques are rather low. Still, you will get access to Ninjutsu when you rank up so I highly advise you to select two elements. If you insist on not having any though just say the word and I will stop pestering you about it. It's ultimately up to you, I am just trying to help.
-It is also worth mentioning that when you are at a level where you can use C rank ninjutsu you will also have the ability to summon creatures. Summons have the elements of their users in most cases so without elements your summons would be seriously ad a disadvantage.
-As for appearance I would say just try to possibly add in things like her height, maybe a ball park range of her weight. You could go into her facial structure. Does she have high cheek bones, low cheekbones, deep set eyes? I believe I gave you plenty of things you could add into your appearance section to give it a bit more flare. I know it can be annoying but we like to have a rather fleshed out character in terms of personality and appearance here. You have a fleshed out personality for the most part but your appearance is lacking. I'm just asking for another paragraph. I know you can do it as you do seem like a skilled writer. Pretty please? 
-As for your jutsu, while it isn't required for you to have 15 I was just merely suggesting it as not having full set would put you at a disadvantage. Remember, this is the only time you are being given free jutsu. The rest will cost you EXP. Just consider it. If it isn't that important to you that is completely fine and I will leave it alone, just like the element issue.
-As for your style of writing, the way you did your history. I can understand and respect that. I won't bug you about the style if that is the way you like to write. I only ask you read it again because at various parts your narrative switches from third person to first person in mid paragraph very suddenly and it happens again at another portion. Usually when you pick a perspective when you write you want to stick with that perspective throughout the piece or at least throughout the paragraph, otherwise it becomes very confusing for the reader.
-As for equipment, remove the scrolls and stick a genin kit in there. I gave you the link in my previous post. Doing so will actually give your character some scrolls and some basic tools. The only thing you'd be missing from your current item selection is the medium sized scroll.
-I thank you for looking at my post and taking the time to write a response and work on the profile. If you need any assistance please don't hesitate to ask ^_^
-Kite |
| | | | Leighton
Age : 29
Posts : 766
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 5:57 am | |
| As I type this it occurs it's time wated instead of revision, but;
- I have no Word Programs. Just Notepad.
- I'm good with what I have.
- I guess I could try for another paragraph. Time to get naughty.
- I'm good with what I have.
- Unfortunately, I am very fickle. This may seem like a complete issue to have someone consistently writing like that, but my english teachers says I write in free verse I believe. I blame me reading so much Ellen Hopkins in so little time then all that writing. If me being such a fickle person gets confusing for people, I can switch out to a slower pace and go from there. This may be something we sit here and debate.
- Done soon.
EDIT: It's occured to me that I'm typing while in the dark. Stupid me, of course I'm going to have errors! In turn I will select an element, but doubt I'll use it at all. |
| | | | Kite
Age : 34
Posts : 1209
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 8:03 am | |
| -If you don't have word then I suggest you go online and google up a spell checking tool. There are many free ones you can access via google. Copy and paste your work into the spell check tool and make the corrections.
-Alright, as long as you both understand and are okay with it I will leave your element issue alone. Glad to hear you are selecting one at least. You are free to train another at any time.
-I appreciate you making the effort with your appearance. Thank you ^^
-Same as above. As long as you both understand and are okay with having less than 15 jutsu of your own then I'll leave it alone.
-As for your writing style. I am doing my best to be understanding and while I won't personally hold you back if you insist on keeping it, I would prefer if you kept it all in one perspective, or at least waited until you finished a paragraph before switching from first to third and vice versa.
-If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to ask. Thank you for your effort.
-Kite
|
| | | | Enzo
Age : 28
Posts : 1797
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 4:56 pm | |
| Friendly reminder that you must RP in Third Person on this site, simply to maintain consistency. It is after all not YOU who is fighting, but rather the character you are controlling. For it to be first person it would be more autobiographical than anything, and obviously this is not the case with a supernatural RP forum. Feel free to re-read the Guidelines in the US Laws:
http://www.ultimateshinobi.org/t3099-ultimate-shinobi-s-law#32319
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| | | | Leighton
Age : 29
Posts : 766
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Wed 20 Jun 2012, 5:34 am | |
| I think all I need to do is rewrite the history.
EDIT; Editted <3 ~~ |
| | | | Kite
Age : 34
Posts : 1209
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Wed 20 Jun 2012, 10:54 am | |
| Alright just looked over your app once more and I can say that I am pleased with the changes you made. The number of errors has been reduced significantly to a point that I am not having an issue with letting this through. I only ask you do two more things and you'll get my approval.
-In your history for the first part you have inserted several line breaks at arbitrary locations, often times after one or two sentences. Get rid of these line breaks, make it a paragraph or two like you did with the later part of your history. You shouldn't need to rewrite anything, you just need to go back and eliminate some of the spacing so it doesn't look so choppy.
-In your arsenal, you inserted spoilers for your jutsu, which I appreciate, but you neglected to label the spoilers meaning that I still have to search through the different spoilers to see what jutsu I'm looking at. Basically what I'm asking is that instead of simply typing "spoiler" in the bracket I want you to type "spoiler=Fuuinjutsu" so that the spoilers have titles over the appropriate sections or you can simply insert a bolded title over the appropriate spoiler box just so we have an idea of what jutsu are where. This makes it much easier for us staff members to go in and edit your jutsu when you start purchasing jutsu and such.
Do these two things for me and you'll be good to go. I really am appreciative of the work you did and I look forward to seeing you RP.
Also note:
Before you had a picture and now I am seeing you don't. If you do decide to put up a pic then you need to fill out that face claim section below. It is preferable that you have a picture for your character but not at all necessary. It is up to you. But if you do decide to have one then you need to fill out the face claim. |
| | | | Leighton
Age : 29
Posts : 766
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Thu 21 Jun 2012, 12:50 am | |
| I apolidgize for the sentence structure. My notepad was screwing around somehow. I'll get it fixed and label the spoilers. I made the description without an image so I'll go imageless for now.
EDIT: Done. |
| | | | Kite
Age : 34
Posts : 1209
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Thu 21 Jun 2012, 1:42 am | |
| Alright, everything looks good to me. Thank you for your work! You get my approval.
Approved
1/2 |
| | | | Cookie Monster
Age : 29
Posts : 4301
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Fri 22 Jun 2012, 12:08 pm | |
| One last thing before you gain my second approval, with the recent update with Applications, we've included a slot for Forehead Protectors since members seem to forget about them. Simply add [.b]Foreheard Protector:[/b] within your application and have it in between Appearance and Personality please. All you need to state is where you have it place on your body, even Nukenin are required to do this. It should look something like this... - Code:
-
[b]Appearance:[/b]
[b]Forehead Protector:[/b]
[b]Personality:[/b] |
| | | | Leighton
Age : 29
Posts : 766
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:28 pm | |
| | Revised. |
| | | | Cookie Monster
Age : 29
Posts : 4301
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:38 pm | |
|
Thanks for making the edit.
Be sure to make an account topic to ensure you gain your colour and rank.
Character Approved.
2/2
|
| | | | Cookie Monster
Age : 29
Posts : 4301
| | Subject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Sun 16 Dec 2012, 1:43 pm | |
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