Sandstorms Carve Wonderful Tucans Under Peer-Pressure

Posts : 1044

Sometimes I have nightmares about you people invading my dorm and setting fire to my book collection while the robot-sex-guard loads you full of kitten-bullets until you stop screaming out the various parts of an insect's head in reverse alphabetic order...usually the screaming stops somewhere after 'Mandibula' until the ashes reform and then I bludgeon them to death with a retired fireman's facial-shield. I just thought I'd share with you that tidbit of information so you partially comprehend the unfathomable contempt I hold for dolphins and last time I checked, this site was populated and run by dolphins whose flippers managed to bang on a keyboard to make coherent posts like some sort of concrete counter-evidence for the theory that it would take monkeys millions of years to write out the bible on a keyboard by smashing it randomly. So you sorta' kinda confirm evolution...but disprove the belief in a benevolent god...can't win everything.

Anyways, old people I happen to tolerate, you are free to start the (hating/demanding explanations/asking for naked pictures of me to complete your weird fetishes/stating that Rarity is the best pony over and over until you earn my affections/super hating) and I will promptly resume (not giving a shit/giving a half shit/staring blankly while forming a finger-pyramid trying to comprehend what you've put on my screen/drink coffee and ignore you because you know you love my indifference to you, its your drug you filthy, filthy, girl.../maybe giving a whole shit if theres a bribe involved.) If you notice any changes you may chalk them up to 'growing up' or 'caffeine addiction'. I'm here for JJ, you're all just side (benefits/detriments/byproduct/sexual experimentation partners/bears).

New people who somehow avoid being smited because of the laws of the universe that prevent me from choke-slamming you into the Lovecraftian abyss of your own tortured mind, please go find a nice fire to shove your expendable appendages in everytime you consider approaching me. It'll probably save us both a lot of time, effort, and fire (which is a limited resource in some places, appreciate the fire you have!) You're also free to keep reading this until the madness sinks in and I consider you worth any thoughts beyond the violent imagination that I keep in reserve just for annoying people in the hopes that my beliefs will bend reality to make my thoughts actual occurrences. I even gave you neat lil options for endless read-ability!

Anyways, the system seems nice and I believe I've already commented on that before, I just don't have a pallete for some of your denizens here but JJ manages to somehow get me to agree to nonsensical things so here I am. As you'll note from previous encounters my insanity level has notably increased, along with everything else definable about me, though I've kinda' stopped giving a half-shit about the people I don't like. I'm not waiting on god to punish you and I'm too lazy to do it myself so I'm just hoping a nice family of scorpions make their way to your genitals some lovely afternoon and beyond that, meh. Not worth my energy anymore. So rejoice in your currently scorpion free genitalia!

...I'm pretty positive nobody is reading this far so I can put whatever the hell I want in here...HAIL SATAN! OFFER THE BLOOD OF YOUR FIRST BORN ON THE FULLMOON TO THE GODS OF OLD AND HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH GOVERNMENT CLASSIFIED ALIENS FOR PLEASURE, PROFIT, AND THE BENEFIT OF THE MONGOLIAN RACE! SEND ME MONEY AND ALL OF YOUR CIRCUMCISED HAMSTERS FOR THE GREATER GOOD OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM! HEIL!

"TLDR Version":

EDIT~
Oh, for those concerned I am currently attending the apparently prestigious 'Purdue University'. Everyone on campus insists on telling me that I am now the cream of the crop and that my breasts lactate sunshine and unicorn kisses so apparently thats worth sharing. Also the same applies to my college, Agriculture, except I shit out thesis statements, sex-cubes, gold dollops, and the fragmented portions of my personality that have been ground up inside me due to college-level stresses. The only level that isn't consistently content to feed my ego with useless information in a deluge of stupid banter by people who wouldn't know wit if I sharpened it and jammed it in their eye sockets is my major, Entomology. Take pride in the fact that I will one day graduate with a Master's Degree in a field that gives me complete control over something that populates 99% percent of the earth. I assure you I will AT LEAST pay off my loans before I go super-scientist...

Oh and I met a girl, she's quite pretty actually, smooth lines, fully functional, catering to my every whim and fancy...now if only I could rip this god-forsaken HP label off of my darling Samantha...that would just be TOO MUCH for the corporate coconut-skulls who are too busy shoving pineapples up the consumer's collective asses to bother looking over their shoulder while I notch arrows loudly...one day...soon...

Posts : 2032

Ahhh Richard. Good to see things haven't changed, that in-fact, that have heightened.

Good to see you. Smile

Posts : 1044

Well I wouldn't say they haven't changed, that would imply I've wasted quite a few months in hibernation like some sort of drunken caterpillar who doesn't want to exit his coccoon because the real world is a cruel, over-charging, merciless pimp and he isn't sure if his wings will work properly because he hasn't really used them and they seem to be covered in liquidized shame and pity...actually thats probably really accurate if the caterpillar has a jew-fro, enjoys coffee, and is willing to give up quite a bit of his personal time dealing with crazy women for sex...this gives me an idea for an undergraduate research project, insect stimulator! The world will be filled with coffee-powered cock-roaches!

Posts : 1044

And you've all attained higher-postcounts than me and knocked me off the Top 10 spot I always held, how cruel...guess I'll just have to take it back and coil my fingers around it a little tighter this time like some sort of inexperienced hooker.

Age : 31 Posts : 1836

The Apocalypse has returned, everyone. Despair.

Welcome back, Hage. I look forward to seeing your "sanity" contaminate the site.

Age : 30 Posts : 8965

I only read the tl;dr spoiler.

Age : 30 Posts : 716

I actually read it all... Interesting stuff. Anyways, welcome back Hage.

Age : 28 Posts : 3145

Adam wrote:: I only read the tl;dr spoiler.

I didn't read a word! Razz

Hey Hage, tis Nero from NWOTN, sup?

Posts : 1044

Ulkira wrote:: The Apocalypse has returned, everyone. Despair.

Welcome back, Hage. I look forward to seeing your "sanity" contaminate the site.

Oh I wouldn't call me a mobile apocalypse, that would be inaccurate and imply that I'm just interested in the complete destruction and corruption of everything that I come into contact with. The key to madness is to contain and release it in controlled portions, theres a 'method' to it you could say. If I ran around all wily-nily torching maidens and raping churches I'd never get anything done...

Adam wrote:: I only read the tl;dr spoiler.

Then you missed out on heaping loads of fresh nonsense and theres always room in everyone's head for more mildly humorous nonsense.

Phantom Heart wrote:: I actually read it all... Interesting stuff. Anyways, welcome back Hage.

I take it interesting is the only word you could conjure up that wouldn't pierce my skin and deal damage to my fragile silken heart and psyche?...can't even write that with a straight face...Though to be frank, with the name changes and whatnot I have about as much clue as to who you are as any US Congressmen has to fix the current 'mess' the states are in so clarification would most likely help if you're hoping for recognition. Also your name made me read it as 'Phantom Hive' first...

Enma wrote:

Adam wrote:: I only read the tl;dr spoiler.

I didn't read a word! Razz

Hey Hage, tis Nero from NWOTN, sup?

Theres a fresh batch of rattlesnaked venom-soaked 'adult toys' in the back of the truck since I know how much you love those. Theres also a bound and gagged clone of Miranda Cosgrove but I'll make that very clear now, shes mine, touch her and you'll wish I murdered you...that aside, smiley faces, smiley faces! Good to see ya again, I think, I don't really know yet, we'll decide that later...

Age : 32 Posts : 869

Welcome back Hage. Hope you remember me

Posts : 1044

RockBoy wrote:: Welcome back Hage. Hope you remember me

Course' I do, way back in the day you had the key to the hibernation chamber afterall, though I don't think that was ever employed and it would've likely been a hillarious shit-storm to wake up Y and Z. Would've been epic as all hell though, come back and whoop ass, but alas thats stuff from the past that has very little relevance right now...

Age : 28 Posts : 796

Enma wrote:

Adam wrote:: I only read the tl;dr spoiler.

I didn't read a word! Razz

Hey Hage, tis Nero from NWOTN, sup?

Theres a fresh batch of rattlesnaked venom-soaked 'adult toys' in the back of the truck since I know how much you love those.[/font][/quote]

Oh my ;D

-----
On another hand.. Your introduction:.
Fantastic I must say! A wonderful read that lifted my spirits up!

But Anyways...
Let me introduce myself
I'm Celene, nice to meet You.

Posts : 1044

Celene wrote:

Quote :

Enma wrote:

Adam wrote:: I only read the tl;dr spoiler.

I didn't read a word! Razz

Hey Hage, tis Nero from NWOTN, sup?

Theres a fresh batch of rattlesnaked venom-soaked 'adult toys' in the back of the truck since I know how much you love those.[/font]

Oh my ;D

-----
On another hand.. Your introduction:.
Fantastic I must say! A wonderful read that lifted my spirits up!

But Anyways...
Let me introduce myself
I'm Celene, nice to meet You.

Your post has reminded me of Tao Ren and I found a really awesome picture equivalent to six suns and a bottle of hair-conditioner in awesome-bucks so in return for that I reward you with Rarity and me fixing your broken quoting...

WARNING; HUMOR REQUIRED:

Age : 28 Posts : 3145

Since when are you such a talkative chap, Hage? ^_^

Posts : 1044

Since the dawn of time when the great amazoness worm-warlords dominated the earth and forced me to work in their toy factories producing large amounts of barley gnomes for their offspring. They fed us based on the overall noise we made because their species used vocal chord created noise as a currency which was then bottled up and stored in their anuses. This prompted me to be as vocal as possible during my mandatory reproduction hours and also carried over to other aspects of me life so that when I was reincarnated, I became a highly talkative individual who still tries to shake the painful memories of his past lives...

Age : 31 Posts : 2547

Is it just me, or are Richard's rants even less funny then they once were?

Anyway, welcome back. Cool

Age : 29 Posts : 1256

-insert obligatory remark on your arrival to the site that will be heavily scrutinized by certain Rarity loving individuals-

Age : 27 Posts : 332

I actually read it all and i must say, good to see your a devil worshipper Hage Razz

Anyways, welcome back.

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

The whole post was too long to notice the 'tl;dr' section, so I read nothing!

Welcome Back!
FLASH!

Posts : 1044

John wrote:: Is it just me, or are Richard's rants even less funny then they once were?

Anyway, welcome back.

Its an acquired taste, mostly sadism. Far be it from me to decide what makes me less amusing though, guess it just makes me all the more difficult to tolerate.

₡amisado wrote:: -insert obligatory remark on your arrival to the site that will be heavily scrutinized by certain Rarity loving individuals-

RARITY

Sandstorms Carve Wonderful Tucans Under Peer-Pressure 287405

Klown wrote:: I actually read it all and i must say, good to see your a devil worshipper Hage
Anyways, welcome back.

Nah, it would be exceptionally unusual of me to worship my own father now wouldn't it?

Sir Suijin wrote:: The whole post was too long to notice the 'tl;dr' section, so I read nothing!

Welcome Back!

You're a waste of space, mass, energy, and everything else that composes you. Someday I'm sure some lucky dominatrix will make you a very nice toy and you'll like it until the candlewax drips a little too far down your bum, scalds your intestines, and leads to a horrifically painful death over the next three hours. Until then, get reading! D<

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

Hageshii Ame wrote:: You're a waste of space, mass, energy, and everything else that composes you. Someday I'm sure some lucky dominatrix will make you a very nice toy and you'll like it until the candlewax drips a little too far down your bum, scalds your intestines, and leads to a horrifically painful death over the next three hours. Until then, get reading! D<

I'm so turned on right now.
Aww yeah

Age : 35 Posts : 1113

Whee, why did I only just notice this? Welcome back, mister!

Quote :: I just thought I'd share with you that tidbit of information so you partially comprehend the unfathomable contempt I hold for dolphins and last time I checked, this site was populated and run by dolphins...

*convenientedit* Ahem. So long, and thanks for all the fish. TEEHEE

Douglas Adams, anyone?

Posts : 1044

Sir Suijin wrote:

Hageshii Ame wrote:: You're a waste of space, mass, energy, and everything else that composes you. Someday I'm sure some lucky dominatrix will make you a very nice toy and you'll like it until the candlewax drips a little too far down your bum, scalds your intestines, and leads to a horrifically painful death over the next three hours. Until then, get reading! D<

I'm so turned on right now.
Aww yeah

Then you're gonna' love my time-tested, fan classic, the diamond sandpaper coated telephone pole. It has the benefit of being made of diamond composed sandpaper as well as being a suppository whose sheer size and length will cause unimaginable pain and discomfort. Subtle but perfect. I'll be sure to deploy one to you via Slenderman, do take care to enjoy it.

~Fox~ wrote:

Whee, why did I only just notice this? Welcome back, mister!

Quote :: I just thought I'd share with you that tidbit of information so you partially comprehend the unfathomable contempt I hold for dolphins and last time I checked, this site was populated and run by dolphins...

*convenientedit* Ahem. So long, and thanks for all the fish. TEEHEE

Douglas Adams, anyone?

Hard liquor does make it hard to see things sometimes I'd imagine there dear, more mixing and less consuming. Speaking of which, if I find a narwhal can you use its blood to make a wine? I think that would be quite posh.

Age : 35 Posts : 1113

Quote :: Hard liquor does make it hard to see things sometimes I'd imagine there dear, more mixing and less consuming. Speaking of which, if I find a narwhal can you use its blood to make a wine? I think that would be quite posh.

I'll certainly look into it. When should I expect narwhal delivery?

Posts : 1044

~Fox~ wrote:

Quote :: Hard liquor does make it hard to see things sometimes I'd imagine there dear, more mixing and less consuming. Speaking of which, if I find a narwhal can you use its blood to make a wine? I think that would be quite posh.

I'll certainly look into it. When should I expect narwhal delivery?

Depends on when I can get my boat out of the harbor I suppose, currently have my boating license revoked because of an incident involving Cthulhu and a large quantity of unwilling 'candidates'. The court apparently ruled that sacrificing people to Dread Lord Cthulhu in order to save the human race was an illegal and immoral act...