On top of everything Otibot just stated, since you're a Genin I'd highly suggest amping down his age to maybe thirteen.

Origin would just be Land of Fire, Fire Country...etc. Not the sentence you have, what you have there should be in your history and then explained. What kind of rich family? Was he treated well or was he kept in the cellar? Did he get everything he wanted and now expects things to just come to him. If I keep throwing you bones you're going to bruise.

[goes down Oti's list...]

Alright, seems like everything I was going to point out Oti already did. Except for one thing. Roleplay Sample. You're making me cringe here man, when you role-play you're acting out a story that you are actively writing. When was the last time you picked up a book [lets just say for posterity's sake fiction] and saw the entire book written out like you did just there? Let me give you an example. This is taken directly from my most recent RP.

.Karasu wrote:

[y o u v e | t a s t e d | b l o o d]
[DETHKLOK | THE GEARS]

Continuously jogging down the worn path with his two genin in tow, Karasu listened to the two of them banter. Mental note, Karsu thought, Haruo is a bit of an airhead with a penchant for stalking. Specializing in...ooh. Karasu could tell he was going to end up being this kids mentor in more ways than one. "Katon and Raiton Haruo? Seems like me and you have at least two things in common, and I just listed them. That seems to be the extent of our similarities though." He said this while trying not to sound too condescending, but it most likely would sound as such. Though if the boy was as air-headed as he appeared to be, Karasu would have to plaster it in enormous lettering before him for the boy to get it. No matter.

“Great a handicap, this makes the task at hand even harder”

Karasu had heard the boy say this before setting off and decided it was time to respond to what the boy had said. "Setsuna, before you said the loss of a team-member is a handicap. This may be so, however I believe for the moment we may not need him. This kind of assignment is generally set to Jounin, so one Jounin and two Genin should encounter little resistance." Karasu said this with a flat even tone, even as he quickly spun around so that he was now jogging backwards so that he could still talk with the two Genin face-to-face. As he did he caught the tail-end of Setsuna's transformation, this he speculated, would come in useful at some point. But for this mission he had something else in mind rather than brutally murdering the man they were after and stage it as a wild animal attack, that was just too brutal and grotesque even for a man so low and base as a Criminal. No, this required precision and some heavy thought to make it seem like an accident, and Karasu had already thought up a few ways to do this. "Of course Setsuna, you're both welcome at the store anytime, isn't too hard to find but I'll give you some direction. As for direction in how to kill the man we seek, I have a few plans we can work out in various scenarios. However first and fore-most we must make it to the man without raising an alarm, so stealth will be necessary at least at the beginning of this mission. Once the deed is done, I feel we need not conceal ourselves any longer. This means we make as little noise and use as few jutsus as possible, if these bandits are relatively weak-minded I may be able to sneak past them without their knowledge of my ever having been there. You two on the other hand I would suggest you concoct ways to silence guards without killing them before they sound alarms. I know how I'll be doing it." He said the last sentence as he patted his two Ninjato.

A moment later he turned about again to face forwards, "Anyway, enough idle prattle. Let us not delay any further, we're headed to Rice Country and we're on a bit of a tight schedule, so I'll be picking up the pace." As he finished the sentence he angled his body so it was a little closer to the ground and put his arms behind him, breaking into a full sprint. I hate rushing things, but I'd very much like to finish this and earn that vacation time. He thought, beginning a small day-dream of what his trip to Kumo would entail. Books most likely, exotic teas, treating some pretty women to dinner. And what if he ran into the Raikage? Well that would just be the Coup De Grace if that happened.

Now do you see what your Role-play is missing?