Haretsu, Sodoji [Konoha Genin]

Age : 25 Posts : 91

Spoiler:

Haretsu, Sodoji.

THE INFO.

Name: Haretsu Sodoji
Nickname: -
Age: 14
Gender: Male
Appearance: His build is very balenced. His face is very shapely in terms of normality, though he does have a slightly straight edge, and his chin is pointed to some degree. As for his torso and arms they are fairly skinny, he doesnt work out much. His legs and thighs are not too different. There is a diamond- seethrough pattern on the top-midle of his t-shirt made of nylon, and also sleves of the same kind on both arms that reveal hiden senbon. On his right wrist, a spiked bracelet and on his left, a tatto of a snake. Around his neck, a small silver cross. He carries around a scythe, though he never uses it. He claims it was his father's, but no one knows why he carries around something from his father annyway. If you examine his sleves he has senbon under there that fall out as he flicks his wrists.

His hair is the color of a blooming dandy lion, with slight traces of a glittery silver of a quarter. Accepting a streak of the light purple of the first lilac of spring as it blooms into life. His skin is smooth, kind of like a newborn baby's, dispite his many run in's with having to sleep on the ground. his eyes are a pale blue, much like the area around a ninja headband only they are slightly darker. Even though he is in the sun alot, he is very pale. he has a frekle on his right arm.

Personality:Sodoji is a very unusual young man who prefers to be alone, and without companionship then friends and aquaitinces. He is very dark, whenever he thretens someone its usualy with torture of some kind. He also shuns the other students, since he was a loner for a very long time. he usualy behaves civil and prefers to stay in corners, though in the accademy he was very sarcastic. he usualy talks to himself (those who have sixth sence can see he is talking to the spirits of the deceased) and when he is not in dark allyways, he is in the grave yard at his mother's grave, muttering to himself, thou he seems to pretend he is having a conversation with his mother. he has a "split" personality, some say. he acts different around people he dislikes, descreitly spiting at their feet, uttering curses under his mout, and is very hostile against those people. though he has no friends he often walking the halls sighing. Some that claim that the can read minds, say he reminiscing about a girl he knew, but left for another vilage. he is very tactical during combat. he also taunts the foe much, at points the get cross and make a mistake, and then he strikes. he thinks as little of girls as they him, though some say with one exeption. He prefers to be alone and in the dark then in relationships and being in well lit rooms.

He is very anti-social. Some would even call him Goth, but underneath his gruff, emo exterior, he is a very lonley, suffering child longing to find some one like him. That could relate to him, some one to say " your not the only one who suffers". He longs for a friend. he longs to drop the past and be "reborn" as a new Sodoji and he thinks becoming a ninja will reveal itself as a way to destroy the hatred and suffering inside. as you can tell, he also has many conflicting emotions. He thinks of middle earth as hell, for what he has gone through, is significant proof that it could possibly be.

LIKES

silence- sodoji has very sensitive hearing, but is not afected by the loud noise of his explosions.
berrys- as he was growing up, his father fed him berrys as he worked, and nothing else, so he grew fond of them.
dogs- whenever he was on break, he went to his neighbours and played with her dog, so natruly he grew fond of them.
puppets- even though he is not a puppet master, he is very fond of them. they are inanimate, thus giving him compelate power over them and with him being practicly a slave to his father, he needed something to lord over.
exploisons- the sweet sound of people screaming in terror just makes him feel good inside. having power is not something someone give up easly so the fact that he is a haretsu is good for him because he can hear that sound as much as he wants.
sushi- the sweet taste of raw tuna is something he looks forward to every day, and he eats it for breakfast every day.
DISLIKES
beer- the fact that his father was drunk all the time made him hate beer, and those who drink it.
soup- Sodoji does not like soup because it is very bland and lacks the hard texture sushi does.
religion- religion is stupid in sodoji's opinion, because it only gives man more rules, and tthe only laws sodoji is bound by, are the laws of physics.

Clan: The Haretsu Clan
Nindō: "I'll beat you when hell freezes over...it's starting to get chilly"

THE NINJA.

Origin: The Fire country
Affiliation: Konoha
Rank: Genin
Specialties: Genjutsu, Ninjutsu
Elemental Affinities: Katon, Doton
Combat Style: With his genjutsu, he ensnares his prey in illusinonary sights, of their past failures, deepest, darkest secrets and makes them feel emotionaly unwilling to battle, so they either give up, or as they stress, kill them with his explosives. If that doesnt work, he uses his senbon skills to try and bail him out.Some times he plays with his prey, tauting them and striking when they make a mistake. He is usualy a ranged fighter

Special Characteristics:
Sixth Sense

Spoiler:

THE BACKGROUND.

History: One cool morning neighbors are awakened by screams and ear-spliting wails.
"Josh!" the woman yells "Its here!". A man runs to her side and they rush to the hospital about 3 days later a small boy comes out and the mother faintly says "Sodo...ji" then falls limp in the bed. The funeral happened a week later every one in the haretsu clan attended and uppon the gravestone had the words THE MOTHERS FINAL WISH. To my baby sodoji: Good luck to you. As a young child, he was lonely because his mother died at a very young age, and his father always abused him, and if he wasnt doing work, his father would beat him with a dull sword, so no one wanted to hang out with him for fear he inhereted his father's curelty, and eventualy he did. When he woke up one morning and heard whispering, he told his father. "Ha", he replied. "if you can talk with spirits , read my palm" so when he did, he notised something "Your life line is short father. Your going to die soon." That same day, three hours later, a raid happened on the street he resided as his father was walking home from the store and his father was claimed by death. When the funeral came. he was nowhere to be seen. During the years of his academy terms, he grew more and more disliked, and when he pased the exam, he was put into a squad with 2 overly friendly people he realy disliked, because they were allways trying to make him "happy" and he eventualy disabeled them, and in the hospital as they sleept, leaving them both a note that said ; "If you ever are released from this bed, do not talk to me again. Sodoji. P.S. keep this note". After they read the note they notised it was kind of squishy but, they thought little of it at the time. A week later the two came out of the hospital and rejoined the squad. Kenta ignored the note, but Sakhaha got skeptical. He wouldn't go near Sodoji, and eventualy, they had to replace him.
A few weeks later, the replacement came in, an Uzumaki boy named kubtio, who spesalized in medical ninjutsu. he came to Kenta and winked at her " I'll heal your wounds anyday, girl." Kenta's face turned bright red "Um... th-thanks" Then he turned to Sodoji and brought him over to the side "Keep your filthy little mouths of of that girl, you Haretsu scum." And with that, gave Sodoji a very nasty look that could only mean he had a very deep grudge against the Haretsu clan. The two boys, no, rivals walked back in a grudging silence. That night, Sodoji had a dream of him and Kubito fighting to the death. Sodoji was right about to deal the killing blow, when something shattered. He went down to investigate and to his horror, a Man in pitch black clothes was destroying his stuff, and the worst part was he was using Sodoji's scythe. The man turned to face the young boy, and charged him. Sodoji quickly set some clay mines and as the black clothed man drew near to one of the mines, he dettonated it. The man went flying up, and hit the ceiling, knocking him out. About a minute later, the Anbu black ops arived and brought the man away. It took Sodoji a bout a week to repair everything, and clean it up, but nonetheless he did it. As the months went by, Sodoji's and Kubito's rivalry grew to the point of they would "Test their metill" against each other so frequently, every night they would go home injured and lacerated from head to toe.

Roleplay Sample:

Spoiler:

THE ARSENAL.

Jutsu
Kekkei Genki

Spoiler:

Genjustu Jutsu

Spoiler:

Doton jutsu

Spoiler:

Katon Jutsu

Spoiler:

Academy Techniques

Spoiler:

Weaponry:

Items:

Spoiler:

Etc:

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

Hello Shirra, before this can be accepted there are some improvements you need to make.

Firstly, don't forget to capitalize where need be. Such as your name, gender, clan and whenever you start a new sentence. Grammar is quite important on a text based RP site. Moving on to your actual character, both the appearance and personality requires more work being placed into it. I'm looking for at least two detailed paragraphs in each considering you're going for a clan that has a limit set on them. Personality needs a lot of work placed into it, so please fix both up when you can.

You've mixed up your Origin and Affiliation, swap those two round please. I'm not saying you have to change your specialties but considering you're going for a Hyuuga, I'd strongly advise you change to Taijutsu. If not then you'll be unable to use any of the techniques due to specialty limits. You'd basically be a Hyuuga without the techniques, you'd only carry the name. Your combat style will also require a boost in amount and detail, I look for atleast three to four lines of detailed writing.

History will require a boost in detail, once again the reason is that you've chosen a limited clan and thus the detail will have to be greater then the average application. I'm looking for at least three detailed paragraphs worth of history from you, so please add more detail. Your RP Sample also requires more work to it, we can deny members going for a clan if they cannot live up to RP standards. You currently have sixty or so words for your sample, the minimum is one hundred and fifty, you should be aiming a lot higher. If you want to remain a Hyuuga, then aim above the limits please.

You've chosen very little in terms of techniques, you only have two. You also haven't mentioned Academy Techniques which everyone is entitled to, plus you're allowed fifteen to start with. Have a think about what you actually want to do with your character please and come back to re - write it, because right now it doesn't seem like much of a Hyuuga.

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

Hello Shirra, nice to see that you're sticking around for improvements.

Firstly, don't forget to capitalize where need be. Such as your name, gender, clan and whenever you start a new sentence. Grammar is quite important on a text based RP site. For the Character itself, I'm looking for at least two detailed paragraphs for your Personality and Appearance. The reason being is that you're trying to join a clan that is limited, thus there is a higher expectation immediately. Can you also remove the Naruto reference from your appearance, it's an alternate universe and all. Also, your image is only showing up as a link so don't forget proper coding is required.

For your Specialties you've made a small spelling error with "Weaponry", have that fixed up please. You'll also need to re - write your combat style since you have made a mention of using Genjutsu, yet you do not possess it as a Specialty. Therefore, you cannot use any Genjutsu techniques, which I notice you have in your Arsenal.

Once again, you're going for a Limited clan so expectations are higher then usually. Thus, I ask for at least another detailed paragraph or two. I advise you to place your whole character sheet through a word document or something similar, because I'm beginning to notice more and more spelling errors. Have all of these fixed please. I've also noticed in your RP sample that you use quite a lot of dialogue, don't forget that it's not all about writing a script but rather a story.

Your Arsenal requires [spoiler] tags, have them seperated from Academy, Ninjutsu and Weaponry techniques please. You've also placed in several techniques that are far above your limit as a Genin. A Genin is only able to learn C - Rank and below techniques, thus you must remove the B and A rank techniques. Like I mentioned earlier, you'll have to get rid of any Genjutsu techniques that you have placed in there since you do not specialize in it. Lastly, every Genin is entitled to the Genin Kit, so don't forget to have that placed in your App.

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

I'm still looking for those two detailed paragraphs in both your Personality and Appearance. If you're struggling for ideas then think of how he reacts with friends, enemies and those he is neutral with. Why does he react this way. What makes him angry, what makes him happy etc... You've just got to try and expand more on your points. For appearance, seperate it into categories. Such as physique, ninja attire and possibly casual attire if your character has one. Why does he wear these clothes and how did he gain them, it's simple points such as these that can greatly expand your paragraphs.

Combat Style needs to be re - written a bit, you've mentioned the use of melee weapons yet you do not specialize in the style. So if you are referring to Kunai, Shuriken and Senbon then make sure you actually mention them because melee covers a wide variety of weapons.

Your weaponry needs to follow the actual templates that the site has to offer and not just a simple, brief description. Have that change please so that it fits the requirements. Also, you may or may not know this but given your current rank and lack of specialty with weaponry, you'll only be able to wield D - Rank and below weapons. So just be aware of that if you're writing up some custom ones, plus don't forget we offer weapons within the Encyclopedia. Lastly, the Ryo reference isn't exactly needed since we're not big on a money system right now. Hope you get these fixed up because I'm sure you're eager to get to some roleplaying.

Age : 29 Posts : 3145

Ok let's look at what you have done and what still needs to be done. I love your enthusiasm and I really want to get you roleplaying as quickly as possible, so please follow any advice to the dot.

So first of all, the appearance is decent, however the personality is not to my liking. Try to be more simple with it. Something along the lines of - 'Shirra is unlike other young man of his age, preferring loneliness and solace, over friends and relationships. Ever since his father died, the youth has turned dark in nature, becoming both anti-social and devoid of hope and life, becoming a shell of his former happy self.' Don't start off with his dark side or his tattoo, in fact forget the tattoo, that has nothing to do with personality. Personality is and please have these in there:
- What does he like and dislike & Why
- How does he behave regularly & Why
- When and how does he behave irregularly (Dark Side) & Why
- How is he around friends/Does he have friends?
- How is he during combat?
- What does he think of girls/what girls think of him?

Too many dots on your Nindo Razz

The history seems very rushed. Try to make it like a story, so something like 'On a very usual morning, a baby was born, but with life came the death of its mother. The baby was named Sodoji, and although the little boy would soon grow into a fine young man, there was a lot of hardship awaiting him on the journey called life.'

Then the RP sample is a little... crappy. Sorry. Again, don't think of it as a sample, instead just open a New Tab and imagine that you're about to start a topic or post in someone elses. Then write as if you were writing a normal post. Use detail, writing techniques such as effective repetition or alteration. Whatever. Then come back here, and, post it as your Roleplay sample.

AND NEVER RUSH. The key to roleplaying is to find your own pace and style. DON'T COPY any of the things I wrote, because then you will never get better. What you have to learn is how to put across yourself and your character in the best light possible. Shit applications, rushed posts and badly-written, simple descriptions are not the way if you want to be seen as a good roleplayer.

So good luck. ^_^

Age : 32 Posts : 869

I believe you didn't post your full history. If you did, than it's way short.
Remove the senbon under sleeves from the weaponry section and add it in appearance.
The jutsus are from the encyclopedia so no need to re-approve that. Fix what I told you and you should be fine

Age : 32 Posts : 869

History is still to short, one more paragraph.

Age : 27 Posts : 613

In your history, there are some cases where names are not capitalized. Also, after every period [.] the next letter should be capitalized as well. And, when you go to use a comma [,] be sure to double check that your not posting a dot. And you should use spell-check more often. (I use Firefox, so when I misspell a word it would be underlined in red then I just right click and it comes up with suggestions of a correctly spelled word based on what your trying to say). You can also use the same thing in Microsoft Word if you do not wish to change browsers.

I don't really think that these mistakes are a must to be fixed, just for future reference. (:

Everything else seems fine, you added more to your history.

Approved, 1/2

Age : 32 Posts : 869

Oh well, since nobody is posting and I see no problem with it. APPROVED 2/2

Congratulations Shirra and welcome to the world of Ultimate Shinobi!

Age : 29 Posts : 4301

Archived.

Due to inactivity.

Age : 30 Posts : 614

Unarchived due to user request

Age : 25 Posts : 91

do i need to get approved again?

Age : 30 Posts : 614

Yeah, you do. Make sure all of your jutsus and what not are still current since things have been updated.

Age : 29 Posts : 1797

Did no one tell you that Haretsu is currently on lockdown? The whole clan is being revamped; we can't have people applying for a clan that's currently being fixed up. Regardless; you'd require Administrative Approval to create a character in the Haretsu clan; regardless of whether or not it was once a character on this site. Rules have changed since then, so one must follow the new ones.

Age : 25 Posts : 91

ill let the whole thing blow over

Age : 29 Posts : 1797

So do you want to archive this character, or....?

Age : 25 Posts : 91

leave it here, i wanna monitor it

Age : 29 Posts : 1585

Archived:
Due to inactivity.